hablando solo

Examples will proceed the rules which they serve to highlight. Enjoy… and take heed.

13 Tips on How to Rock a Grocery Store Visit

I have a disturbing confession. The last two hours are a complete blur. I have no idea what happened. I’m home now, and the swirl has settled, but I have to work through the bits I remember in an attempt to understand what went down.

1) Be ready for SADRIBIGS – Spontaneous Amnesia Due to Recklessly Impulsive Behavior Inside the Grocery Store 

I was on the way to meet a few friends for breakfast, but during my taxi-transit, I found out we weren’t meeting. So, I got out and indecisively made up my mind to walk home, as it wasn’t too far. I had a plastic bag, which in Shanghai, for me, meant it was a golden opportunity to visit the grocery store or any other establishment from which I could purchase something which a plastic bag would make considerably more convenient to carry home. (Usually you have to buy each bag at the grocery/convenience store. It’s a good way to make people reuse their bags!)

2) Be prepared with necessary equipment at all times – YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT WILL HAPPEN!

So I went to my nearby Tesco. All I intended to buy was some eggs. Just some eggs. If only I had known…

Immediately upon entering, I went into the domestic stuff area, looking for something which would make drinking tea easier, as lately I’ve been trying unsuccessfully to drink tea without eating the leaves that float on top of the mug. I found something which I thought might work, so I hesitantly placed it in my basket. Then my eye caught some hanger/string/clothespin contraption for cheap, and I thought, <That would make drying things so much easier!> which is embarrassing enough thing to think to begin with. After that, I saw a glass cup for sauce, and my nosedive rapidly began to exceed that speed at which I was able to remain in control.

3) Immediately abandon previous plans/lists in favor of SPONTANEOUS, CRAZED SHOPPING

I could’ve, and should’ve, stopped there, came home, and written y’all a charming little anecdote about the gradual and yet simultaneously choppy transformation of fun, silly kids into domesticated “adults” (kids in bigger, slightly more smelly, less interesting, and increasingly more fragile packages who care immensely about things like clothespin sets which make drying clothes awesomely more easy, are significantly less skilled at fingerpainting, and in general act only minimally more socially acceptable in public). But I didn’t stop. I… was beginning to feel the madness, that insanity which lurks, jeering, waiting, at the edges of the darkness of our vision, that which we attempt in utter, vain futility to ignore, to evade, to forget, that which leads us to… grocery store oblivion.

4) LET IT HAPPEN!

After the clothes-drying item debacle, the grocery trip proceeded into blurry madness. My bargain-eyes had been activated, and they were driven by a new, confusing desire to find awesome apartment treasures. My mind left me. I remember drinking a sample of mediocre coffee and impulsively throwing a box of it into my basket –

5) IMPULSIVELY THROW THINGS INTO BASKET!

– I saw a big, three foot squid at some point, which I decided not to impulsively throw into my basket –

6) REFRAIN FROM IMPULSIVELY THROWING SQUIDS INTO BASKET!

– I assembled an impressive collection of cheap Chinese tupperware –

7) ASSEMBLE A COLLECTION OF TUPPERWARE!

– I ran into an old American acquaintance who, apparently, lives in the same complex as me, and it wasn’t even weird to be chatting, having a casual conversation, even though we were in Shanghai and not College Station –

8) RANDOMLY STOP TO HAVE A CALM AND COLLECTED CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE YOU DON’T KNOW!

– Minus a thirty minute experiment of zooming around on the cart and attempting to drift around the corners of aisles without running over anyone (yes, it was as awesome as it sounds) –

9) Do I even have to write that one down? I assume you, like me, do that every time you go to the grocery store anyway. Right?

– and a foray into the seafood aisle (which never fails to make me sad, especially in China where there are turtles and frogs just looking up at you all doe-like, begging to be taken outside and played with as pets… judge me if you will) –

10) PITY HELPLESS SEA CREATURES! THINK ABOUT BREAKING THEM OUT! (One of these days…)

I scoured every aisle, because I was convinced that each held some sort of domestic treasure. And I found one almost everywhere. A teacup? Check. Oatmeal? Check. Salt/sugar/brown sugar/random Chinese spices? Check. (I bought the spices in the hopes that it would actually make the noodles I used to cook for myself more palatable, though my cooking might be a lost cause.) Bamboo spatula? Absolutely. Some chocolate? Uh huh. Hanging-things to make drying so much easier? Of course. Citrus-y soap? Check. That tupperware collection I was telling you about? Yep. Did you read that bamboo spatula part? That one’s pretty cool, right? A box for business cards? Yes. Sunflower oil? Mmhmm. A huge bag of cheap Snickers? No. I wanted to, but I didn’t. I think Snickers should be a surprise impulse present for yourself every few weeks. If you just have a bag in your pantry, it’s cheating, and decreases the spontaneous beauty of life. Gotta have principles.

I told you I went in looking for eggs. I walked out with all the ingredients for a freaking awesome kitchen. I think. Give me one second… I’m going to look at all I actually bought…

11) PAUSE TO CONSIDER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!

…

I think I just blew thirty dollars.

12) EXPERIENCE MASSIVE BUYER’S REMORSE!

And I forgot to buy eggs.

13) FAIL TO PURCHASE WHAT YOU WENT INTO THE STORE TO OBTAIN!