Facing mounting pressure from riot police unions, protestors have released a joint statement apologising for their recent behavior, which included general unrest, violent demonstrations, and somewhat impolite demeanour over the past weekend.
What began as a calm gathering of weekend picknickers quickly got out of hand early Saturday afternoon. Under the impression that two of their members had been unrightfully detained by uniformed individuals whom the picknickers mistook for riot police, they began angrily demanding their companions be returned, causing quite a stir as they pelted a nearby park attendant kiosk with any projectiles they could find on hand. The cries drew a crowd which rapidly transformed from curious to indignant upon hearing of the injustice foisted upon the helpless by uncaring faceless uniforms.
Swelling to over two thousand people over the course of just fifteen minutes, the protest began to migrate, seemingly at random. First, they blocked access to the popular public park in which the now infamous picnic began. They then orchestrated a spontaneous sit-in at a nearby Old Navy, long suspected to harbor pro-police sentiments and good weekend deals. The crowd then attempted to sing anti-police songs, but nobody really knew what to rhyme with ‘police’, so they decided to go to karaoke instead, which was pretty fun. They followed that up with a visit to a local ice-cream shop, where they rabidly devoured the entire stock in just a few minutes and didn’t even really say thank you, before moving en masse to the local iMax theatre, where they enjoyed a run of Jurassic World, even though many of them had already seen it. After the movie, still indignant with righteous fervour, the demonstrators raced to a nearby wine bar to catch the two-for-one happy hour, before electing to continue their night at several local establishments, culminating in what one demonstrator described as a ‘pretty sick weekend.’ By this point, with numbers estimated at over ten thousand, most protesters weren’t totally sure what they were angry about, but they unanimously agreed that protesting was pretty awesome.
Meanwhile, the park attendants who had been mistaken for riot police were feeling sort of left out, especially after some of the protestors said some pretty unkind things in passing. The two missing picknickers were discovered taking part in the protesting festivities, having simply left the park earlier in the day in search of a dumpling restaurant one of the guys said he was ‘sure was around there somewhere.’ Upon their return, to their delight, they stumbled upon the thousands of protestors, which they assumed was a flash mob. Riot police, who, of all parties, appear to be the most upset about the weekend’s proceedings, confirmed that they ‘have feelings, too’ and that ‘it kind of hurts to have people sing mean songs about you.’
It appears that reconciliation efforts are already underway, however, as protest leaders have invited riot police representatives to join next weekend’s protest festivities. Old Navy, the ice cream shop, and the iMax cinema have offered their services as corporate sponsors for any protests occurring in the near future.
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