Transcripts recovered from an anonymous source last week have allowed us to finally discover what happened in that fateful breakfast meeting several weeks ago.
While most of us thought the UK and EU made a slightly awkward, if charming pair, no one ever expected the fledgling romance to end in such dramatic fashion.
The conversation can be found below, without commentary. We hope that you will find it as illuminating as we have; in a time so momentous, there is no need for us to colour the events – we will allow you to experience them as they happened.
UK: “I thought, when you said you were cool with us keeping our bank accounts separate, that it meant you really were cool with us being like that, you know? Like, we were going to be together, but still be ourselves, right?”
EU: “I was cool with it, I am, but… I mean… I don’t want to be just ourselves.
UK: “What do you mean?”
EU: “I just… sometimes… it feels like you don’t even want to be with me at all.”
UK: “It’s not… It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just… I want to still be myself, you know? It’s like people look at our relationship, and they just see EU, EU, what’s going on with the EU, Euro-this, Euro-that… and then there’s Angela – ”
EU: “You like Angela!”
UK: “I do. I do. It’s not about her. You’re right. I just… I think we need to… What do you say we, just for a bit, now… that we…
EU: “Just say it, Ukie! Stop being a coward! Do you want to be with me or no?!”
UK: “I do! But… I don’t! I feel torn, okay?! It’s like half of me wants to stay, and the other half wants to go…”
EU: “Sounds like you need to decide which half of you is the real you. Which half do you want to be, Ukie?”
UK: “I… want to…”
UK: “I… want to be on my own for awhile. I just want to try things out! I’ll stay on Boris’ couch for awhile, I already checked with him, it’s cool, he’s… I just… I need to do this. For me. I’m leaving, EU.”
UK: “No.. please don’t… cry…”
EU: “No! You know what? You’re not leaving me, you’re – I don’t want you! Get outta here! See how well you do Out There!”
UK: “It’s not – we don’t need to be like that – I mean, we have all the same friends, it’s going to be really awkward if we – ”
EU: “JUST GET OUT OF HERE!!”
The transcript then ends with a few minutes of breaking dishes and shouting.
Thus, what was meant to be a run-of-the-mill, delightful brunch date highlighted by simply scrumptious eggs benedict became the calamity we now refer to alternatively as Brexit, Breakxit, or Breggsxit. We will keep you up to date with any further news.