Category: Satire
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BREAKING: In bid to save face, Kremlin explains that ‘Russia Forever’ is a streaming service
Thirty days ago, Russian President Vladimir Putin declared that people who live in Donetsk, Luhansk, Kherson and Zaporizhzhia were becoming Russian citizens — ‘forever.’ This led some people to believe that Putin was saying that cities like Kherson were under Russian control ‘forever’, in the temporal sense, as in ‘permanently, without end, for the rest…
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The stunning, final Brexit conversation finally revealed
Transcripts recovered from an anonymous source last week have allowed us to finally discover what happened in that fateful breakfast meeting several weeks ago. While most of us thought the UK and EU made a slightly awkward, if charming pair, no one ever expected the fledgling romance to end in such dramatic fashion. The conversation…
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Foes Wenger and Mourinho To Reignite Long-Standing Rivalry in Upcoming Season
Just when we all thought the long-standing duel between arch-nemeses Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho had surely concluded, it appears that the conflict is far from over. While the dramatic conclusion of last season featured Wenger leaving Mourinho marooned on an ice-planet soon to be struck by an approaching meteor, seemingly facing his ultimate demise,…
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This Month: Things That Happened
Twitter moves to punish next user caught inventing a hashtag inspired by Brexit After a slew of increasingly stupid hashtags inspired by Brexit threatened to overwhelm Twitter’s airwaves, the company has proposed violent, graphic punishment to be exacted upon the next users to create Brexit-inspired hashtags. Opponents called for a mass Twexxit… Monday looking…
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Church of Mammon Membership Explodes with Trump Successes
In the United States, Church of Mammon membership is hitting record highs with the recent political successes of Donald Trump. “It’s fantastic, really. Some people are even saying it’s ‘unprecedented’,” said one newly-minted Church of Mammon member, Dorothy Arnolds. “We’ve been playing ourselves off as Christians for so many years, but here comes Donald Trump,…
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Man flies across world to confess love, quickly runs out of other things to talk about
As we mill about in the arrival terminal of LAX, a pitiful looking man is doing his best to drum up something to talk about with a woman standing nearby. ‘So…are you… do you like Tuesdays?’ he is very literally asking. ‘Or maybe you’re more of a Wednesday person..? Here’s what’s going on. Inspired by…
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48% of humans feel personally validated when Weather app is proven wrong
Despite predicting a relatively confident 100% chance of rain at 9:00am today, Rodger’s Weather app was foiled by the vagaries of an unpredictable climate. The morning is cloudy, to be sure, but it still hasn’t rained, and it’s 9:31. In typical human fashion, Rodger has chalked this up as a personal validation of his John-Henry-esque…
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Duel between Wenger and Mourinho this weekend to be decided by lightsaber
Having finally vowed to put all their differences to rest following the outcome of one freaking epic lightsaber battle, Premier League managers Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho have been stirring up the press and their fans for support all week. While Arsenal and Chelsea are playing through an irrelevant match on the pitch, Arsene and…
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Parents attempt to explain to child how internet works, fail
On a seemingly normal summer afternoon in Shanghai, the Welding household was thrown into disarray after young Martin asked one of the questions universally dreaded by parents. Mum, Dad, he said, in that voice he puts on when you know he’s about to do something annoying. Rodger and Norma Welding did their best to distract…
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Tourist rescued by passing fishermen
On Tuesday, passing fisherman discovered the plump and sunburned body of a foreigner sprawled along a muddy shoreline embankment on the River Nile.
hablando solo 