Category Archives: Satire

Family super embarrassed of member killed by (baby) lions

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Hong Kong resident Nigel Dortmund has been missing for several days after embarking on what is now being considered an ill-fated safari trip through northern Uganda. He is presumed deceased after his personal effects were found near a well-known play area of several infant lions.

While safari reports record the size of the suspected lions as ‘small’, their age as ‘infant’, and their cute factor as ‘major’, it appears that they were still able to kill the 30-year-old tourist.

The Dortmund family has repeatedly requested that the newspapers reporting on their missing and presumedly deceased son remove any and all references to the size, ferociousness, and dangerability of the lions which took his life. Private sources indicate that the family is concerned their image and name will be negatively impacted by the fact that their dearly departed was slain by animals which appear in pictures to resemble cuddly, stuffed children’s toys.

At the recent memorial service in his hometown, pictures of the alleged killer lions were responded to with ‘Awww!’s and similar exclamations of delight and pleasure from the crowd. Many seemed disappointed when the slide show switched to childhood pictures of Nigel and murmurs of disapproval spread throughout the audience.

“Nigel was great, sure,” commented one guest. “But you have to see those lions. They are seriously the cutest.”

One guest confirmed that she “literally couldn’t even handle how cute the lions were”.

In an attempt to stem the damage to their reputation, Nigel’s family, joined by close friends, organised a protest and awareness march through downtown on Saturday night in which they aimed to educate the public on the fact that “baby lions are dangerous, too” and that “people who may or may not have been killed and eaten by baby lions are really manly and tough, just as much as anybody who gets done in by a more serious animal, and, actually, getting eaten by something super cute might make you even tougher than other people who get eaten by (subjectively) scarier, larger things, like sharks, dinosaurs, or bears.” It was a lot of information to include on one placard, to be frank, but they wanted to get their point across.

Unfortunately, as per usual, having too much text backfired, as the billboards and placards of the marchers also featured large, hi-res images of the creatures, who are admittedly just the most adorable. Instead of being demonised as the dangerous killers they really are, baby lions are now enjoying an unprecedented boom in the public’s approval rating, accompanied by skyrocketing general feelings of warmth and happiness among those who viewed the images.

After reports surfaced that Nigel was most likely eaten after wandering through his campsite at night looking for muesli, several large muesli producers have taken steps to distance themselves from the incident, with one major anonymous source confirming that they do not believe eating muesli increases in any significant way the likelihood of death by baby lion.

 

 

NIGEL SERIES POSTS

find part one:  former backpacker shocked by revelation that he is a complete yuppie now here

find part three:  tourist rescued by passing fishermen here

 

 

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Former backpacker shocked by revelation that he is a complete yuppie now

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In an attempt to get back to the good ol’ backpacking days he is incessantly mentioning to friends (and  most likely leaning on for social validation), Nigel Dortmund, 30, of Hong Kong, signed himself up for a four day safari tour of western Uganda.

In the weeks preceding the trip, and even through the four-hour drive to the reserve, Nigel regaled his companions with tales of the travel adventures of his early 20s, detailing the numerous mishaps, serendipitous encounters, and downright escapades he had been a part of over the past decade.

Upon arriving at the safari entrance, however, his horizon began to darken. In a sign of what was to come, Nigel felt a sinking in his gut as he realised that there would be no bathrooms, hot showers, or Starbucks for at least three nights. In that moment, he understood with a start that he had become a full-blown yuppie, changed irrevocably by the years spent as a professional in Hong Kong. He hated being sweaty outside of an upscale urban gym; he thought about cheeses from time to time; all of his business socks were intentionally paired with his outfits; he didn’t go to Starbucks, because he had some rant against corporatocracy, but he really liked having them around, because they made him feel comfortable and safe; he drank unnecessarily complicated cocktails; he had footwear which he referred to as his “Tuesday shoes”.

A safari was suddenly looking like an exceedingly unwise proposition. He had voluntarily signed up to be apart from all of his favorite things, and now he was paying to sleep on the ground in a tent and be around smelly zoo animals. He didn’t even notice the exotic animals the group drove by on their way to the campground.

As the group began retiring to their tents, Nigel began asking frantically if anyone had some Greek style yoghurt and muesli for breakfast. Secretly, he had determined to wait until everyone else was asleep so that he could use the group’s abundant drinking water for a quick shower. He’d even heat it up over the campfire. Given, however, that they were camping on a safari with dangerous animals, exiting the tent in the middle of the night would mean that there was an estimated 50/50 chance of being eaten immediately by a lion, or big, weird beetles, or malaria.

Nigel, beyond the influence of statistics at this point, had already made up his mind.

 

 

NIGEL SERIES POSTS

find part two:  family super embarrassed of member killed by (baby) lions here

find part three:  tourist rescued by passing fishermen here

 

 

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Selfless citizen runs free quality check on mirrors, reflective surfaces

Dan Thornberg, an entrepreneur and social worker in the area, is no stranger to selfless giving, though you’ll rarely hear him admit it.

It’s said, however, that those who give in secret can’t do so for long. Once again, Dan has been caught by several local residents serving in an unexpected way.

For months now, even when he thinks no one is looking, Dan has been observed giving mirrors of all shapes and sizes, and even somewhat reflective objects, a thorough once-over. The reason for this was unclear, pun unintended (or, as you might say, punintended*), until very recently.

A source who has elected to remain anonymous has told us that she knows Dan, though we assume that means nothing more than that she may have been to a party he was at once, or ran into him at a  networking event for entrepreneurs, or noticed him in the grocery store, where they were both taking advantage of a great discount on muesli.**

“I know Dan,” our source said. “He really seems so thoughtful. It’s like he’s always looking to see how he can help. I haven’t had the chance to talk to him yet, but we actually live in the same complex, and I’ve seen him doing that, what you’re talking about. I think I know what it is. He’s just doing what he always does, serving the community! You don’t get it? He’s making sure the glass is up to par! Making sure there are no issues with the reflection!”

“I’ve never seen him leave a reflection until he’s satisfied,” our source confirmed.

Several other sources we interviewed said the same, noting Dan’s singular determination to quality-check every reflective surface and his tireless unwillingness to leave said surfaces until he has confirmed that they are reflecting to the best of their ability.

In fact, as one of our sources got into the elevator not fifteen minutes ago, she found him just wrapping up as he ran a diagnostic on the mirrored walls inside.

All that goes to say, with a community servant like Dan, you aren’t likely to catch him tooting his own horn, or trumpet, or any other brass instrument, anytime soon.

Unless, of course, he’s checking the quality of its reflection.

 

 

 

*On second thought, don’t. Don’t say punintended. Even if you make a pun, punintentionally.

**I have no idea, honestly, what the origin or the depth of their relationship may be. I’m just starting out as an investigative reporter, and I’m still getting used to keeping sources anonymous, protecting witnesses, all that good stuff. I almost told you that her name was Rachel, at the beginning, like a real novice. Also, I know I keep saying “us” and “our” and “we”, but there is really only just me. Detectiving is really starting to get lonely. Actually, if you, or anyone you know, wants to hang out later… I’d be up for doing literally anything else. And I lied about the muesli thing, up there. I bought all of it. I’m a hoarder of discounted goods. I have ten kilos of discounted muesli in my freezer. We can eat muesli if you want.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Shanghai expat somehow managed to survive alone for years

A Shanghai expat has somehow managed to survive for over twenty six years without having come to understand how to manage the basic life needs of his body.

Every day, come approximately noon thirty, Jared Dunhill is inexplicably shocked by a crippling wave of hunger that tells his body that it is time to eat. Despite having experienced a similar sensation daily for 26 years, which would mean this has happened approximately nine thousand five hundred times, the expat has still not adapted to expect the sensation of hunger which indicates that his body would like a meal, which it will convert into energy to use in accomplishing its fairly critical daily goal of of not dying.

Frantically leaving his office in search of sustenance, the expat forages in several known and trusted locations, where he has consistently been able to purchase sandwiches, bowls of pasta or noodles or rice, various fried vegetables, the odd fruit, and on really nice days, something a bit classy, like yoghurt with muesli and berries.

Having consumed these, the expat is immediately satisfied and able to return to work. Productivity skyrockets, peaks at a respectable level, and continues humming along at a steady clip until around a quarter to six, when Jared’s energy levels come screeching to a sudden halt as his body is riddled once again with pangs of hunger. Again, and I mean literally every day, the expat is shocked to the point of incredulity, having ‘just fed [it]’, which is believed to refer either to his stomach or to the beast with an insatiable appetite that he believes resides inside of him.

By a quarter after six, Jared can generally be found crawling to another favored hunting ground, where most days he is able to scavenge, steal, scrounge, or legally purchase food. Exhausted, he then retires to his habitation, where, despite his best efforts, he suffers undesired bouts of unconsciousness every single night, lasting approximately seven hours.

 

 

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Bodyguard for Linkin Park has a really loveable face

HAWORTH SHOWROOM SHANGHAI – After a social event for entrepreneurs in Shanghai in which Linkin Park discussed ideas for educational startups, socially-minded venture capital opportunities, and possibilities for globally scalable, sustainable development, guests were primarily focused on the really loveable face of one of the band’s massive bodyguards.

“He was gigantic,” reported one guest, whom we first found describing the elaborate tattoo which covered most of the right side of the bodyguard’s neck and shaved scalp. “He could have ripped me in two pieces. But look at him. He just… he wouldn’t do that.”

As members of the band mingled with the crowd as the event concluded, the bodyguard approached one of the musicians and the guest with whom he was chatting, and patiently intimated, with manners that would make a monarch blush, that it was, unfortunately, time for them to get going, and he was quite sorry to interrupt the conversation, and they were so happy the guest was able to make it out tonight. As he spoke, he emphasized his words by gesturing with his gigantic arms, which could suffocate a dinosaur, if they had to. They haven’t had to, yet, sources have confirmed. But they could.

As the affable bodyguard turned to make his way to the door, giving the duo a moment to wrap up the conversation, he flashed a smile that could light cities and melt hearts of stone, and surely has done so in the past. In fact, one guest noted that, as he walked by, she felt her hopes rise, and started to think, spontaneously, that maybe dreams really can come true, if you just believe.

“That guy, I’m sure he’s concerned about practical steps we can take to resolve the issues that are affecting our young generation,” commented another guest, as he watched him walk toward the door, a mass of muscle which could overturn a moving car without breaking a sweat, which I mention confidently, because he actually did, one crazy weekend. “It’s like, even if he were to have to pummel me into a bloody pulp, he wouldn’t make me feel bad about it, you know?”

At press time, the tattooed bodyguard, who could grind you to sand with one arm, was intently listening to an older woman in the elevator recount the many interesting things that had happened to her that day. He responded to her comments by asking insightful follow-up questions about these experiences, which showed her that he was really listening, not only with his ears, but with his heart – the very biggest muscle anyone can carry.

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Wenger close to fulfilling ambition of fielding eleven midfielders

Arsene Wenger has spent the better part of two decades with a single aim in mind:

Field an entire team of midfielders.

Despite the widely-held belief among many pundits and fans that football is a complex sport requiring athletes who are quite specialised in largely mutually exclusive areas of expertise, such as scoring goals, defending the flanks, managing possession in the midfield, and goalkeeping, Wenger believes that all eleven positions are in fact best filled by midfielders.

It appears that his undying ambition may finally be nearing fruition.

In the upcoming Arsenal season, Wenger has confirmed that he will shore up an oft-maligned back four with midfielders; replace his heralded new goalkeeper with a midfielder; fill the central holding position with either one or two midfielders, depending on the defensive requirement of the match; identify two players with pace to deploy as flanking midfielders; fill the central attacking role with a midfielder; and complete the attack by putting either one or two midfielders in the traditional striker roles up top.

With the summer transfer window far from over, there could be even more firepower brought in, as it remains to be seen whether Wenger will accomplish his goal of bringing in a marquee, world-class midfielder to the fold.

The Premier League season kicks off on August 9th against West Ham. Expected starting eleven below.

Keeper-midfielder: Francis Coquelin. Defensive capabilities on full display last season, Wenger has elected to move him to arguably the most defensive position on the pitch.

Centreback-midfielders: Mikel Arteta and Matieu Flamini are looking to finally cement a starting position anchoring the defense.

Fullback-midfielders: Gedion Zelalem and Aaron Ramsey. Wenger has elected to give Zelalem a chance at left back; it remains to be seen if his confidence in the youngster will pay off. Meanwhile, Ramsey’s beard is sure to add a Spartan-like grit to the right side of the defense.

Holding Midfielder: Jack Wilshere. The summer has not been kind to Wilshere, as the English media has caught wind that he may have been thinking about smoking a cigarette while on holiday. Despite these off-the-field troubles evidencing a tendency to be a terrible example to the nation’s youth, he looks to be a sure-fire start.

Left Midfielder: Santi Cazorla. Rumour has it that Santi Cazorla is literally the best at costume parties.

Right Midfielder: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. The only starting Gunner to sport a hyphen in his name, which may or may not hamper his attacking efforts on the right side of the midfield.

Central Attacking Midfielder: Mesut Ozil, in his preferred position, will be sure to lead the attack with his creative playmaking abilities and clean-line hairstyles.

Advanced Attacking Midfielders: Alexis Sanchez and Theo Walcott. The attack is sure to be dangerous with Theo’s pace and Alexis’ creative flair; there is nothing middling about these talented midfielders, who are listed on Arsenal’s official website as forwards, which we think is kind of funny, because they are definitely midfielders on our fantasy team.

 

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Good reviews for Stephanie’s immediately forgettable new boyfriend

Despite the fact that everyone at dinner is struggling to remember the name, face, or anything remotely related to his physical appearance, personality, or interests, all reviews thus far seem to be overwhelmingly positive for Stephanie’s new boyfriend.

Stephanie, who is notoriously codependent and easily swayed by even the most minute of her friends’ opinions, asked the group what they thought of Andrew, who she claimed has joined them on numerous occasions and group outings. The earnestness in her voice and the obvious vulnerability in her gaze as she looked from face to face made it clear to the group that the stakes were high.

Jared led the response, taking charge as per usual. “He’s a great guy,” he said without hesitation. “One of the good ones.”

Rachel, privately irked that Jared had stolen two golden lines for this rare social situation, added “It’s rare you find someone who mixes intelligence… and good looks… in such a classy way, you know?”

Freddy, ever the poet, smirked inwardly as he prepped his response. “I couldn’t have picked a better match for you, Steph. The chemistry you two had, the inside jokes, the glances back and forth… I know it’s only been a few dates, but the way you carry on, it’s like you’ve known each other for years.”

Jared and Rachel simmered at his coy move, but Stephanie seemed satisfied thus far. All present, however, knew things would soon get dicey. The group prepared to change the subject but were foiled as Stephanie unexpectedly raised the ante with a quick riposte directed at the final challenger, Derek, who hadn’t yet contributed.

“Derek, what do you think about his business idea? I told you, didn’t I, that he was such an entrepreneur!”

Derek, whom everyone knows is not great under pressure, visibly blanched. He looked around the table and found no help among the many faces urging him toward a clutch response. Desperately plumbing his memory, he vaguely recalled the park trip they’d all made the previous weekend… where he remembered nodding his head in response to a bland conversation… with somebody… that had lasted over fifteen minutes… “He really knows what to do with his pockets,” he said simply, before moving to take a big helping of eggplant, trying to distract Stephanie with his quick, erratic hand motions.

The group let out a collective sigh of relief, to which Stephanie was blissfully ignorant, as she puzzled over Derek’s response. Before she could continue, Freddy asked everyone if he’d told them how Awesome last weekend was, to which Jared replied, emphatically, in the negative, while Rachel urged him to elaborate.

 

 

SHANGHAI CIRCLES SERIES POSTS

selfless citizen runs free quality check on mirrors, reflective surfaces

parents attempt to explain to child how internet works, fail

shanghai expat somehow managed to survive alone for years

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Wenger searches to fill hole at winger

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As the end of the summer transfer window begins to loom, Arsene Wenger is becoming desperate to fill the club’s gaping hole at the winger position, internal sources have informed us.

Over the last few days, Wenger has been overheard loudly interrogating his players, searching for anyone has any experience whatsoever playing in a slightly advanced position on the flanks of the midfield. He has been met with blank gazes, and the mood in the locker room has started to take a turn for the worse.

“It’s like he doesn’t know who we are anymore,” confirmed Theo Walcott, a talented speedster known for tearing down the sides of the field before either cutting inside or providing service to central players inside the box. “As if anyone at Arsenal could do what he’s asking us to do. Winger? No. If he wants somebody like that, he’s going to have to look elsewhere.”

“We’re starting to get worried. I mean, he’s becoming almost delusional,” whispered Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, whose preferred areas of play is generally not in the backline, defensive midfield, or central striking positions, with friends and teammates Santi Cazorla, Jack Wilshere, and Aaron Ramsey nodding along in grave agreement, equally stunned by the erratic behavior of their beloved coach.

“I personally guarantee to all of our amazing, committed fans that by the end of this summer transfer window, we’ll have a veritable stable of five to six incredibly talented wingers, footballers with a deadly combination of pace and creativity. I’ll stake my reputation on it.”

Even the most ardent fans were surprised at the high aspirations of the coach. Time will tell if Arsene Wenger will be able to pull off one of the biggest accomplishments of his career thus far with the club.

 

 

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Man in the next stall over is having a rough time

During lunch, an office member who has requested to remain anonymous has confirmed to us that a man in the stall next to him was having a pretty rough go of it just a short time ago.

“There were lots of sounds I don’t care to describe, imitate, or recount,” began the employee. “Most of it was splashy.” He shook his head slowly in an exaggerated display of sympathy.

“Then, when it was over, there was this pause, and I could hear the little handle of the toilet jiggling, as the dude tried to flush, and nothing was happening. The jiggling of the handle got a bit frantic for a second, and then it was just silence.”

It is presumed that during this silence the man in the next stall over was considering the situation and examining the toilet itself for probable causes of its malfunction. The silence was broken by the sound of porcelain-scraping as the top was removed from the toilet, then of porcelain-clanking as it was placed on the tile floor, then the noise of various chains, plastic covers, and rubber tubes being manipulated into place, in order to allow the obscenity deposited within the toilet bowl to be sent to the great abyss.

The office member confirmed that it appears the operation was successful, as the toilet flushed soon after the noises ceased. The identity of the man in the next stall over is as of yet unconfirmed, and it is believed that, after the incident, he fled the scene as quickly and stealthily as he could, assumedly due to a nefarious motive like shame or even sheer embarrassment.

“I get what he’s going through,” confirmed the office member, adding, “That happened to me once in Thailand.” It must be noted, however, that this particular office member relates everything that happens to anyone, anywhere, to a 36-hour layover he once had in Thailand, during which everything which can possibly happen to a human being must have occurred to, around, and within him.

At lunch, the office member could be heard speculating about the identity of the man in the stall next to him. His primary guess, which was ostensibly corroborated by his conversational companions, who were visibly uncomfortable with this topic as a whole, is that it was probably Mark from accounting, who was looking a bit skittish as he ate a sandwich in the corner behind the plants.

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Dude at gym refuses to leave machine while texting

Last night, it has been confirmed that a dude at the local gym refused to leave a machine while texting.

The accused, who was seen in olive cargo shorts, a casual t-shirt, flip flops, and other non-workout-appropriate attire, exhibited an overly aloof demeanor as he sat on a workout machine which many viewed as necessary to their Monday night exercise routines in the midst of a crowded gym floor.

One gym member, inexplicably dressed in a red bathing suit, asked the accused good-naturedly if he ‘was using the equipment’, with the obvious underlying question being Can I use this, as you obviously are not? Socially adept members of society are able to read the italicized questions below questions, realize their unintentional mistake, and naturally respond, in good humour, ‘Yes, no worries! Here you go, and all the best.’

The accused, however, in an overt flaunting of the social norms which hold society together, responded with a steely gaze before saying “Yes,” and resuming his texting. The gym member, and the procession who followed him, were forced to find other heavy things to lift, pull, move, or press, in order to attempt, in vain, to fill out their measly chest and arm muscles.

The full procession made sure to give the accused judgmental passive-aggressive glances as he languidly completed his night’s workout of three sets of four reps, spread out across thirty-five minutes. If the accused noticed, he gave no indication, and if anything, he only proceeded to lounge with more effort than before.

At press time, the red-shorted gym member left the building at the same time as the accused, and they walked down the sidewalk in close proximity, which, the gym member confirmed, was just the most awkward thing.

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