Tag Archives: Soccer

Foes Wenger and Mourinho To Reignite Long-Standing Rivalry in Upcoming Season

Just when we all thought the long-standing duel between arch-nemeses Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho had surely concluded, it appears that the conflict is far from over.

While the dramatic conclusion of last season featured Wenger leaving Mourinho marooned on an ice-planet soon to be struck by an approaching meteor, seemingly facing his ultimate demise, it was natural for fans to wonder whether the clash between the feuding generals could truly have turned its final page.

The final episode left viewers to believe that Mourinho was doomed, and even gave significant airtime to an exultant Captain Wenger and his crew, among them the turncoat Doctor Eh-Va-Car-Neer-Os, as they escaped to safety in hyperspace. Their excitement is understandable, as there was no reason for them to doubt that they had finally defeated the evil Mourinho in utterly convincing fashion, after being bested by him so many times in the past.

However, after the credits, a lone escape pod could be seen drifting slowly toward a cargo freighter in the distance. Rumours swirled; fan forums exploded as users raced to post their theories as to who was inside, with every guess seeming to become increasingly more far-fetched than the next.

Three plausible candidates emerged.

Among the first was that the bandit Vardee was attempting to escape from the frigate Lay Ai Chest Star, fresh off an unexpected pillaging of the Home System. However, few fans were able to supply a plausible motive for his unexpected departure.

Many others claimed that the pod contained an hitherto unknown Neo-Viking mercenary of considerable power whose talents were available to the highest bidder.

The third, and now, it seems, correct suggestion, was that the pod contained none other than Mourinho, who had somehow miraculously survived the destruction of the frigid and wasted blue planet upon which he had been abandoned.

To make matters more worrying, if the leaked previews are to be believed, Mourinho has emerged from his would-be annihilation stronger and more formidable than ever before.

We have only a few weeks till the upcoming season to see how our hero Wenger will respond to the reemergence of his longstanding foe… and if rumours are to believed, this may well be Wenger’s final stand.






2015:  duel between wenger and mourinho to be decided by lightsaber

2015:  wenger close to fulfilling ambition of fielding eleven midfielders

2015:  wenger searches to fill hole at winger

2015:  wenger quenches latest transfer rumour




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Duel between Wenger and Mourinho this weekend to be decided by lightsaber

Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger looks on prior to their Champions League third round first leg soccer match against FC Twente at the Gelredome stadium in Arnhem, eastern Netherlands, Wednesday, Aug. 13, 2008. (AP Photo/Ermindo Armino)

Arsenal coach Arsene Wenger in front of the famous dual suns of the Emirates. (Original Photo:  AP Photo/Ermindo Armino)

Having finally vowed to put all their differences to rest following the outcome of one freaking epic lightsaber battle, Premier League managers Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho have been stirring up the press and their fans for support all week.

While Arsenal and Chelsea are playing through an irrelevant match on the pitch, Arsene and Jose will be in the midst of a grueling duel to decide the true victor as they dance about in the rafters of Stamford Bridge. The precise overhead location has not yet been determined, though reports suggest that it must be overly precarious and not at all practical for a lightsaber battle.

At one point, Arsene is expected to lose his footing and barely catch hold of a metal girding, narrowly avoiding a plummet to the bleachers below. This will allow him to have a heated exchange with Jose, in which a surprise plot twist will be revealed.

What they may be is anyone’s guess.

Mourinho elected not to respond to our interview requests, sending a message through an intern stating that he only talked to “real” news outlets, because he’s a twag. Word has it he will be using a double-bladed lightsaber, despite having publicly blasted opposing managers for doing the same at the start of the season.



Mourinho’s blade colour will be red, obviously, despite the fact that he manages Chelsea; Arsene, as the unanimously-agreed good guy, received the sky blue sabre by default.

Wenger, because he cares about those of us in the honest press, kindly agreed to a brief interview.

“Jose, and his teams, they’re always a real tough test,” he explained, never one to underestimate his opponents. “However, when it comes to our lightsaber duel this weekend, I think you’re going to see that it’s us who have the upper hand.”

He declined to complain about the unfairness of the dual-bladed weapon chosen by his opponent, and despite our trying to egg him on into saying something somewhat inflammatory, or even just plain mean, like Jose would have done, Wenger would only confirm that he thought Jose had a ‘great parry’, and a left swing that could really ‘do some damage’.

This weekend, while Arsenal and Chelsea are battling it out for Premier League supremacy (if you’re Arsenal) or battling relegation (if you’re Chelsea), look to the rafters – that’s where the real fight will be going on.

As to the outcome? From this point on, we’re just as in the dark as you are.





wenger close to fulfilling ambition of fielding eleven midfielders

wenger searches to fill hole at winger

wenger quenches latest transfer rumour




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Wenger close to fulfilling ambition of fielding eleven midfielders

Arsene Wenger has spent the better part of two decades with a single aim in mind:

Field an entire team of midfielders.

Despite the widely-held belief among many pundits and fans that football is a complex sport requiring athletes who are quite specialised in largely mutually exclusive areas of expertise, such as scoring goals, defending the flanks, managing possession in the midfield, and goalkeeping, Wenger believes that all eleven positions are in fact best filled by midfielders.

It appears that his undying ambition may finally be nearing fruition.

In the upcoming Arsenal season, Wenger has confirmed that he will shore up an oft-maligned back four with midfielders; replace his heralded new goalkeeper with a midfielder; fill the central holding position with either one or two midfielders, depending on the defensive requirement of the match; identify two players with pace to deploy as flanking midfielders; fill the central attacking role with a midfielder; and complete the attack by putting either one or two midfielders in the traditional striker roles up top.

With the summer transfer window far from over, there could be even more firepower brought in, as it remains to be seen whether Wenger will accomplish his goal of bringing in a marquee, world-class midfielder to the fold.

The Premier League season kicks off on August 9th against West Ham. Expected starting eleven below.

Keeper-midfielder: Francis Coquelin. Defensive capabilities on full display last season, Wenger has elected to move him to arguably the most defensive position on the pitch.

Centreback-midfielders: Mikel Arteta and Matieu Flamini are looking to finally cement a starting position anchoring the defense.

Fullback-midfielders: Gedion Zelalem and Aaron Ramsey. Wenger has elected to give Zelalem a chance at left back; it remains to be seen if his confidence in the youngster will pay off. Meanwhile, Ramsey’s beard is sure to add a Spartan-like grit to the right side of the defense.

Holding Midfielder: Jack Wilshere. The summer has not been kind to Wilshere, as the English media has caught wind that he may have been thinking about smoking a cigarette while on holiday. Despite these off-the-field troubles evidencing a tendency to be a terrible example to the nation’s youth, he looks to be a sure-fire start.

Left Midfielder: Santi Cazorla. Rumour has it that Santi Cazorla is literally the best at costume parties.

Right Midfielder: Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain. The only starting Gunner to sport a hyphen in his name, which may or may not hamper his attacking efforts on the right side of the midfield.

Central Attacking Midfielder: Mesut Ozil, in his preferred position, will be sure to lead the attack with his creative playmaking abilities and clean-line hairstyles.

Advanced Attacking Midfielders: Alexis Sanchez and Theo Walcott. The attack is sure to be dangerous with Theo’s pace and Alexis’ creative flair; there is nothing middling about these talented midfielders, who are listed on Arsenal’s official website as forwards, which we think is kind of funny, because they are definitely midfielders on our fantasy team.



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Wenger searches to fill hole at winger

wenger pointing

As the end of the summer transfer window begins to loom, Arsene Wenger is becoming desperate to fill the club’s gaping hole at the winger position, internal sources have informed us.

Over the last few days, Wenger has been overheard loudly interrogating his players, searching for anyone has any experience whatsoever playing in a slightly advanced position on the flanks of the midfield. He has been met with blank gazes, and the mood in the locker room has started to take a turn for the worse.

“It’s like he doesn’t know who we are anymore,” confirmed Theo Walcott, a talented speedster known for tearing down the sides of the field before either cutting inside or providing service to central players inside the box. “As if anyone at Arsenal could do what he’s asking us to do. Winger? No. If he wants somebody like that, he’s going to have to look elsewhere.”

“We’re starting to get worried. I mean, he’s becoming almost delusional,” whispered Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, whose preferred areas of play is generally not in the backline, defensive midfield, or central striking positions, with friends and teammates Santi Cazorla, Jack Wilshere, and Aaron Ramsey nodding along in grave agreement, equally stunned by the erratic behavior of their beloved coach.

“I personally guarantee to all of our amazing, committed fans that by the end of this summer transfer window, we’ll have a veritable stable of five to six incredibly talented wingers, footballers with a deadly combination of pace and creativity. I’ll stake my reputation on it.”

Even the most ardent fans were surprised at the high aspirations of the coach. Time will tell if Arsene Wenger will be able to pull off one of the biggest accomplishments of his career thus far with the club.




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Wenger quenches latest transfer rumour

wenger on old phone

“The area in the immediate vicinity of Emirates will not, I confirm, will not be purchasing, transferring, or installing new traffic lights, at least for the foreseeable future.”

Arsene Wenger has thwarted the latest transfer hopes of Arsenal fans today with his statement confirming that marquee traffic lights will not be brought in this summer, as many pundits and fans had expected. Wenger confirmed that he had a closed-door discussion with local transit authorities prior to joining the press conference.

Gunners everywhere have been grasping at the most unlikely transfer targets as bigger-name opportunities have come and gone on the market, and traffic lights seemed to be their last chance to get something new and shiny, since Wenger has made it clear he has no intention of buying footballers, a fun new bouncehouse to keep outside the stadium on gamedays, or a team shark, to whom opposing fans could be sacrificed at halftime.

“We are quite happy with our traffic signals just the way they are,” Wenger confirmed. “We have just started to really build some chemistry in the past year. You know just when to pass, when it is best to hunker down and wait for the next opportunity, and you know especially when it is time to go.”

This announcement follows days of speculation as to whether or not Wenger may authorise the purchase of marquee new traffic lights, whether from an established, proven German firm, a startup with an esteemed R&D department like Southampton Transit, or even a surprise purchase from a cross-London company. Fans have long clamoured for the replacement of several lights in clear trouble areas, notably the small, nearly dysfunctional lights around the back of the stadium on Holloway Rd.

Despite this, Wenger referred to the success of the recent term and proceeded to make increasingly salient points about the fickle nature of the domestic fan base, which cares only for the newest of signings, even when they are seemingly unnecessary. This new-things-are-always-better attitude, he noted lucidly, is overtly egged on by the uncontrolled hype-machine that is the English media.

Before he could conclude, he was drowned out by shouts of “Wenger out! Out with Wenger!”

One fan brought attention to recent moves made by Liverpool, saying they “got all the cool new shiny things”, like brand new beer taps installed for every ten seats in the stadium, a personal butler to welcome each fan to his or her seat prior to kickoff at home matches, and new football players, to aid them in their primary goal of challenging for a Premier League Title. This is a goal for which Wenger supposedly also strives, though with these latest developments, many fans may be left doubting.

“We did get somebody new this summer,” Wenger said as he tried to mollify the crowd, but they were not to be appeased.

At press time, he was feigning taking a call on his Nokia brick as he rapidly exited the dais.





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Revolutionary FIFA President Sepp Blatter Proposes Football – for Women


note:  This was written back in May, before the corruption charges and the election results. Updates to follow!

In a move sure to shock the footballing world, incumbent FIFA President and current leading reelection candidate Sepp Blatter announced the creation of football for women.

Speaking at a recent press conference, he began by saying, “After thinking long and hard on this issue, it has come to my attention that our responsibility at FIFA is to create a world of equal opportunity for all. I’ve decided, after much deliberation, to use the powers granted me by FIFA to create an organisation for women’s football.”

When asked whether some may see this as simply pandering for votes ahead of the election for FIFA president, Blatter confidently revealed that his winning the election had never really been in doubt – his opponents had been hired by those “Arab people who are doing the World Cup” just to keep things interesting.

With a twinkle in his eye as he looked out at the assembled media, he added, “I like to keep things interesting for you guys.”

After a stunned silence from the crowd, the room erupted in applause. GNN television correspondent Ron Burgundy noted that Blatter not only knew them, he understood them, and that was as close to love as anybody could get. “We deeply admire this man,” he concluded, his words barely intelligible as he wept heavily.

In this press conference for the ages, Blatter was not done yet. After establishing the sport of women’s football, he took a step further and announced that he would even fund the world’s first Women’s World Cup – with all expenses coming out of his own pocket.

“I know nobody will watch for a few years, and that’s alright,” he said, with a knowing smile. “But I’ve loads of money, which I assure you is not being tracked by several dozen governments for suspicion of money laundering, because -” here he spread his arms wide to the crowd, again drawing heavy applause “- because you know me! C’mon, that stuff is crazy, right? I’m Papa Sepp!”

“Anyway,” Blatter continued as the cheers subsided, “We’ve already selected the location for the Women’s World Cup, and it will be held in… the Central African Republic! This may not seem like the first location you’d guess, but it continues our work with such progressive and non-discriminating nations as Russia and Qatar.”

Shedding more light on the decision, Blatter said, “I have this buddy who works with some dudes in the CAR, and he tells me they are making incredible strides in including children, some as young as 8, in integral community roles, such as soldiering, plundering, and racketeering. If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!”

Blatter’s comments come amidst heavy criticism of his recent choice of World Cup locations, but he defended his choices admirably, to the chagrin of his critics. “Russia, and Putin, man, they’re cool with everybody – they even wore those gay little rainbow gloves at that track meet they had a few years ago.”

Humourist and TV personality John Oliver, a longstanding opponent of Blatter, shook his head in defeat.

“I thought the rampant corruption, the shocking incompetence, and the virulent sexism would be enough to bring down Blatter’s FIFA,” he said. “But after all that has been said today, I think I have a lot to think about. I can’t believe I’m saying this… long… long live Blatter!”

Many expected heavy criticism from more conservative football fans, but the reception has been generally positive. Responses from individuals as varied as US Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz and CNN Future Correspondent Mr Jetson have rained praise on Blatter’s decision.

As he prepared for a nationally televised interview in the States, Cruz graciously gave us a few moments to share his thoughts on the announcement. “Soccer is the sport the world invented when it couldn’t handle the superior, awe-inspiring masculinity of America, which people learned about when Ben Franklin invented science,” he explained calmly, as he combed his hair and loaded a spare freedom-pistol. “It’s only fair to let women play a sport meant for them in the first place.”

“Texas!” he added, to no one in particular.

“Even in the heavily idealised cartoon future, we couldn’t dream of having something like equal sports rights for men and women,” Mr Jetson told us. “I couldn’t be more in favour of Mr. Blatter’s decision – this is decades ahead of its time, if not centuries!”

“I’d be surprised if it wasn’t ‘Sir’ Blatter soon!” Jetson added ecstatically.

There was one more announcement to come. In what many interpreted as another direct response to critics concerned with the extreme heat of Qatar, Blatter followed up with yet another move to establish his support for the rights of women. “To my knowledge, we haven’t yet done a World Cup in Africa, and, because everyone knows Africa is, like, super hot, you might think the CAR would be an inadequate climate for football…” The crowd laughed as Blatter shook his head and smiled condescendingly as his few remaining critics withered in the audience.

“But – you know me – I have a heart! These ladies are not going to have to wear those super-hot football kits – instead, they’ll wear these!”

As he finished speaking, fireworks went off on stage, and 32 women in tall socks and high-heeled, cleated boots marched across the stage wearing climate-sensitive, environmentally-friendly bikinis emblazoned with the flags of the nations previously included in the 2014 Men’s World Cup finals.

“He doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body,” someone in the crowd observed. “Papa Sepp loves us!”

The celebration threatened to drown out further questions, but not before an intern wondered aloud how Blatter would respond to the charge that the FIFA Women’s World Cup was allegedly established in 1991, and that women have engaged in playing the sport since its creation. Blatter drew the admiration of the crowd as he declared that “Today we look to the future and not to the past.” He added that “change is always difficult, and hope always has its opponents.” He then encouraged the young man “not to make things awkward” before posing for pictures with the female representatives from Brazil and Japan.

As the crowd of professional reporters from internationally recognised media outlets broke out into frenzied chants of “Long Live Blatter!” and “Long live the Supreme Leader!”, Blatter could be overheard saying “It’s Blatter Time” and “I’ve totally still got it.” At press time, he was asking the crowd what they should do after this, and if there were any good happy hours on at nearby bars that wouldn’t check at the door if their guests were currently under investigation by “those dicks at the FBI.”

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