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“The area in the immediate vicinity of Emirates will not, I confirm, will not be purchasing, transferring, or installing new traffic lights, at least for the foreseeable future.”

Arsene Wenger has thwarted the latest transfer hopes of Arsenal fans today with his statement confirming that marquee traffic lights will not be brought in this summer, as many pundits and fans had expected. Wenger confirmed that he had a closed-door discussion with local transit authorities prior to joining the press conference.

Gunners everywhere have been grasping at the most unlikely transfer targets as bigger-name opportunities have come and gone on the market, and traffic lights seemed to be their last chance to get something new and shiny, since Wenger has made it clear he has no intention of buying footballers, a fun new bouncehouse to keep outside the stadium on gamedays, or a team shark, to whom opposing fans could be sacrificed at halftime.

“We are quite happy with our traffic signals just the way they are,” Wenger confirmed. “We have just started to really build some chemistry in the past year. You know just when to pass, when it is best to hunker down and wait for the next opportunity, and you know especially when it is time to go.”

This announcement follows days of speculation as to whether or not Wenger may authorise the purchase of marquee new traffic lights, whether from an established, proven German firm, a startup with an esteemed R&D department like Southampton Transit, or even a surprise purchase from a cross-London company. Fans have long clamoured for the replacement of several lights in clear trouble areas, notably the small, nearly dysfunctional lights around the back of the stadium on Holloway Rd.

Despite this, Wenger referred to the success of the recent term and proceeded to make increasingly salient points about the fickle nature of the domestic fan base, which cares only for the newest of signings, even when they are seemingly unnecessary. This new-things-are-always-better attitude, he noted lucidly, is overtly egged on by the uncontrolled hype-machine that is the English media.

Before he could conclude, he was drowned out by shouts of “Wenger out! Out with Wenger!”

One fan brought attention to recent moves made by Liverpool, saying they “got all the cool new shiny things”, like brand new beer taps installed for every ten seats in the stadium, a personal butler to welcome each fan to his or her seat prior to kickoff at home matches, and new football players, to aid them in their primary goal of challenging for a Premier League Title. This is a goal for which Wenger supposedly also strives, though with these latest developments, many fans may be left doubting.

“We did get somebody new this summer,” Wenger said as he tried to mollify the crowd, but they were not to be appeased.

At press time, he was feigning taking a call on his Nokia brick as he rapidly exited the dais.

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