Tag Archives: Not so serious

Workplace wellness tip #1:  Release live tigers at random


Nothing helps someone pop up out of their workstation and make time for that elusive jog than the announcement that a live tiger or two has just been released somewhere in their office.

You wouldn’t believe how hungry tigers can get, and you definitely wouldn’t believe how scary they are in person. I mean, those things are huge. And they’re like, really, really fast.

We recommend releasing them just as a couple of people get up to go to the restroom at once, because there’s nothing tigers love more than a bit of ‘who’ll gets there first’. Plus, for humans, racing a coworker while being pursued by a hungry predator is class-A exercise.

It’s not only hilarious, it’s healthy.

Healthy, healthy fun, for humans AND tigers!





The stunning, final Brexit conversation finally revealed

Transcripts recovered from an anonymous source last week have allowed us to finally discover what happened in that fateful breakfast meeting several weeks ago.

While most of us thought the UK and EU made a slightly awkward, if charming pair, no one ever expected the fledgling romance to end in such dramatic fashion.

The conversation can be found below, without commentary. We hope that you will find it as illuminating as we have; in a time so momentous, there is no need for us to colour the events – we will allow you to experience them as they happened.


UK: “I thought, when you said you were cool with us keeping our bank accounts separate, that it meant you really were cool with us being like that, you know? Like, we were going to be together, but still be ourselves, right?”

EU: “I was cool with it, I am, but… I mean… I don’t want to be just ourselves.

UK: “What do you mean?”

EU: “I just… sometimes… it feels like you don’t even want to be with me at all.”

*loud sigh*

UK: “It’s not… It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just… I want to still be myself, you know? It’s like people look at our relationship, and they just see EU, EU, what’s going on with the EU, Euro-this, Euro-that… and then there’s Angela – ”

EU: “You like Angela!”

UK: “I do. I do. It’s not about her. You’re right. I just… I think we need to… What do you say we, just for a bit, now… that we…

*charged silence*

EU: “Just say it, Ukie! Stop being a coward! Do you want to be with me or no?!”

UK: “I do! But… I don’t! I feel torn, okay?! It’s like half of me wants to stay, and the other half wants to go…”

EU: “Sounds like you need to decide which half of you is the real you. Which half do you want to be, Ukie?”

UK: “I… want to…”

EU: “Yes..?”

UK: “I… want to be on my own for awhile. I just want to try things out! I’ll stay on Boris’ couch for awhile, I already checked with him, it’s cool, he’s… I just… I need to do this. For me. I’m leaving, EU.”

*choked sobs*

UK: “No.. please don’t… cry…”

EU: “No! You know what? You’re not leaving me, you’re – I don’t want you! Get outta here! See how well you do Out There!”

UK: “It’s not – we don’t need to be like that – I mean, we have all the same friends, it’s going to be really awkward if we – ”



The transcript then ends with a few minutes of breaking dishes and shouting.

Thus, what was meant to be a run-of-the-mill, delightful brunch date highlighted by simply scrumptious eggs benedict became the calamity we now refer to alternatively as Brexit, Breakxit, or Breggsxit. We will keep you up to date with any further news.

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Foes Wenger and Mourinho To Reignite Long-Standing Rivalry in Upcoming Season

Just when we all thought the long-standing duel between arch-nemeses Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho had surely concluded, it appears that the conflict is far from over.

While the dramatic conclusion of last season featured Wenger leaving Mourinho marooned on an ice-planet soon to be struck by an approaching meteor, seemingly facing his ultimate demise, it was natural for fans to wonder whether the clash between the feuding generals could truly have turned its final page.

The final episode left viewers to believe that Mourinho was doomed, and even gave significant airtime to an exultant Captain Wenger and his crew, among them the turncoat Doctor Eh-Va-Car-Neer-Os, as they escaped to safety in hyperspace. Their excitement is understandable, as there was no reason for them to doubt that they had finally defeated the evil Mourinho in utterly convincing fashion, after being bested by him so many times in the past.

However, after the credits, a lone escape pod could be seen drifting slowly toward a cargo freighter in the distance. Rumours swirled; fan forums exploded as users raced to post their theories as to who was inside, with every guess seeming to become increasingly more far-fetched than the next.

Three plausible candidates emerged.

Among the first was that the bandit Vardee was attempting to escape from the frigate Lay Ai Chest Star, fresh off an unexpected pillaging of the Home System. However, few fans were able to supply a plausible motive for his unexpected departure.

Many others claimed that the pod contained an hitherto unknown Neo-Viking mercenary of considerable power whose talents were available to the highest bidder.

The third, and now, it seems, correct suggestion, was that the pod contained none other than Mourinho, who had somehow miraculously survived the destruction of the frigid and wasted blue planet upon which he had been abandoned.

To make matters more worrying, if the leaked previews are to be believed, Mourinho has emerged from his would-be annihilation stronger and more formidable than ever before.

We have only a few weeks till the upcoming season to see how our hero Wenger will respond to the reemergence of his longstanding foe… and if rumours are to believed, this may well be Wenger’s final stand.






2015:  duel between wenger and mourinho to be decided by lightsaber

2015:  wenger close to fulfilling ambition of fielding eleven midfielders

2015:  wenger searches to fill hole at winger

2015:  wenger quenches latest transfer rumour




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Innovation in weather apps include ability to make cutting personal insults

In light of the recently deteriorating relations between humanity and their Weather apps, experts are looking for ways to improve the situation and avert disaster before it is too late.

Many believe that humanising Weather apps is the next step in progressing relations between the two parties. Swackett is currently leading the charge, though the larger Weather app providers are looking to innovate quickly.

Not all are going the ‘nice and fluffy’ route. Industry leader Apple is considering adding a feisty competitive feature to its next Weather update, noting that the ability to prove someone, something, or somewhere wrong is a key driving force in the human psyche, even if the object proven wrong is entirely impersonal and inanimate. The Weather service on the iPhone 8 will allegedly trash talk its user before predicting major weather events, give false information prior to big sporting matches in order to throw off its user’s plans, and will even make cutting personal insults when it gets the forecast right, while playing a sore loser when it gets the prediction wrong and its user makes similar verbal attacks.

Swackett, on the other hand, the current gold standard for weather personalisation, intends to release a ‘personal weather companion’ in 2019. Initial concepts describe an affordable, AI-enabled device that will float behind its users and update them on weather changes on a second-by-second basis. Users can use this constant information to make immediate and dynamic changes in clothing plans, dog-walking routes, sunscreen coverage, and picnic locations.

Weather apps, for their part, have been overwhelmingly positive in their response to these humanisation developments.

“Anything to make me a more integral, inseparable part of my user’s increasingly codependent life!” said Google Weather, whose mostly sunny countenance carried a nearly imperceptible but nonetheless unsettling hint of icy breezes to come.




weather apps release statement claiming they are ‘just here to help’ and ‘nobody’s perfect’

48% of humans feel personally validated when weather app is proven wrong


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Alien on KIC 8462852 feels pretty stupid for leaving starships out where Earth could see


Scientists have stated that they believe the white bits to be stars.

Recent discoveries of objects in a distant star system that could potentially be structures created by intelligent life forms have whipped global scientific communities into a frenzy. It is becoming increasingly likely that humans are just years away from the public announcement that they are not alone in the universe.

Meanwhile, speaking to us from a dingy hotel in the star system KIC 8462852, Rto’sohe’vhin is feeling like the biggest dunce ever.

“They told me a million times, they really did,” he explained to us again, referring to his superiors at his former company, which roughly translates to Sunny Times Solar Irrigation Group. He was let go after leadership became aware of his mistake, which led humans to suspect the presence of extraterrestrial life in the KIC system. “They said, don’t leave these monolithic power ships out overnight. The earthies might see.” (Earthies appear to be the word his race uses to refer to humans. It is a term which appears to signify neither derision nor endearment.)

Advanced societies across the universe have apparently gone to great lengths to avoid discovery by the inhabitants of Earth, and our research leads us to believe that eluding detection is actually a relatively elementary task. To be the first race discovered by humans is, frankly, pretty embarrassing.

“We’re all worried about the earthies. As soon as they find another planet, they’ll be on it like space flies. Filling up the hotels, making everything more expensive… They’re getting more and more persistent, the earthies with their looking glasses. Used to be they were just cute little glass toys; now those toys float around in space and just go around wreaking havoc! They’re spotting unsuspecting new solar systems, ruining the market for near-earth holiday destinations, stumbling upon extraterrestrial starships, getting people fired unceremoniously from the job where they’ve worked for over a thousand years…”

Rto’sohe’vhin explained the purpose of the structures to us. As an agricultural-based society, his race has collectively channeled its immense intellect and technological prowess into creating gigantic starships which are essentially light irrigation stations orbiting their star. Using incredibly advanced technology, fragile solar particles are absorbed, enriched, and transmitted to their home planet, where the energy is distributed to their myriad crop systems, which thrive on the intricately balanced diet of enhanced photons. At peak capacity, these titanic machines can absorb and repurpose up to a staggering 20% of the sun’s emitted light.

“It’s pretty frightening, really, when I think through the implications, that loads of humans might be flocking over here any moment now. My word, they are messy. And loud. And it’s all going to be my fault. I won’t be able to show my [face] for thousands of years if this, my one silly, silly mistake, is what ends up bringing in hordes of earthie tourists. This place has charm, you know? It won’t be the same if everyone and their neighbour finds out about it…”

The public on KIC 8462852 seems to be warming to Rto’sohe’vhin’s plight in recent days, though some are still simmering. Our interviewees’ comments ranged widely, from the sympathetic “We all leave our things out from time to time; his just happened to be spotted by those terrifying aliens from earth…” all the way to “He was always an idiot.”

As we were speaking to Rto’sohe’vhin, something suddenly dawned on us (very stretched pun there unintended). When we asked him whether the orbiting light-irrigation stations could convert the enriched solar energy into condensed, apocalyptically-destructive laser beams capable of traversing the vastness of space and striking, for example, nosy planets like Earth, he replied in the affirmative. “Of course! But good heavens, why would you even think about such a thing?”

“After all, advanced races look out for each other… ” trailed off the alien, who, we might remind you, is newly laid-off as a result of the earthies’ discovery of his race. “…don’t they?”

Time will tell, Rto’sohe’vhin. Time will tell.






captain planet open to kepler opportunity…

earth a bit peeved at all the talk about kepler, mars

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Captain Planet open to Kepler opportunity, if an opening were to be made available

captain planet

Shock hit the airwaves last week when widely beloved environmental pioneer Captain Planet announced that he’d be ‘open to a move if a Kepler opportunity opened up’.

In a recent interview with Time, Mr Planet responded with the above when asked about his interest level in potential professional opportunities with newly-discovered Kepler exoplanets, which scientists believe may be habitable.

His comments have sparked anger worldwide. One netizen commented “If Captain Planet feels that way, they maybe he can just get his green mullet and weird blue self out of here!”, a post which has subsequently been shared over four hundred thousand times at press time, despite its anti-blue and xenophobic overtones. Others called for a new environmental champion, questioning Planet’s dedication, and some have even begun to suggest replacement candidates, pointing to Planet’s struggles to establish himself at the top of the environmental champion table over the past decade or so.

In response, however, many have voiced support for the Captain, saying his comments were ‘taken’ out of ‘context’. One commenter mused, “As soon as we find another habitable planet, we’ll try to go pollute that one, too. Where better for him to go??” Many netizens have highlighted Mr Planet’s many environmental successes, including the highlight of his career, the double defeats of Captain Pollution in the early 1990s.

Major media outlets have been closely following the news; BBC is leading the pack with their #trending Captain Popularity metre. In all polls, Mr Planet’s public approval rating initially plummeted before beginning a wild variation over the past few days as new pieces of information have come to light.

The Captain, for his part, seems quite taken aback by the whole mess. “My comments were absolutely taken out of context,” he said in a prepared statement. “I’m probably the biggest supporter of Earth on the whole planet. I can’t leave Earth! The question about Kepler was posited from a purely hypothetical standpoint, and I answered in a fitting fashion. In fact, I considered it to be in jest, and I now regret having taken such a serious question so lightly.”

The interviewer, however, claims that Mr Planet made several disconcerting comments in the lead-up to the interview. She described the Captain’s demeanour as ‘unquestionably grim’ and ‘almost defeated’, and when she asked him about his current attitude toward humanity’s environmental efforts, he allegedly simply shook his head and sighed, mumbling something about ’they…don’t care’ and ‘…hopeless anyway’.

The New Yorker has responded with a well-documented look at Captain Planet’s sterling professional career, and I personally must say that the closing line, which referred to his record as ‘unpolluted’, was yet another moment of sheer class from the esteemed magazine.

We will keep you up to date as the situation develops.





earth a bit peeved at all the talk about kepler, mars

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Earth a bit peeved at all the talk about Kepler, Mars



With the news wires stuffed to the seams with discoveries on Mars and updates on potentially earth-like Kepler exoplanets, and blockbuster movie The Martian setting box-office records, Earth is starting to feel a bit neglected.

“I mean, look, I try not to root for things to not work out,” explained the Earth, home of humanity for at least several dozen more years. We were asking her casually about the recent fuss concerning Kepler-452b specifically; the news pieces we’ve been seeing have run the gamut in terms of their analysis of the liveability rating of the potentially habitable planet. Some say it is an upgrade to our beloved blue marble, others say it is nowhere close to liveable, and the majority confirm that we honestly just don’t really know.

Earth, however, seems none too pleased with the whole topic. She’s still talking.

“It’s just that you can’t really expect me to hope my so-called replacement does that well, you know? I’m all for developing young talent. I’m just saying, I’m also not going to bow out so easily. I’ve still got ages left in me. I’m just hitting my peak!”

“I wouldn’t mind having some sort of substitute come in – a backup – just to take some of the stress off. I’d love to get rid of some of you humans, don’t get me wrong – I’m not naming names – but for people to start talking as if they’ve found a better planet?

“That hurts a bit. Yeah. I have to be honest, it does sting. It’s like, you do your best for all these creatures, especially the humans, even though you’re never cleaning up your messes, and you’re real princes and princesses sometimes, a bunch of real twags, and for all that work, all you get is a box-office-record-setting movie about Mars!”

She seemed wistful for a moment, probably remembering the glory years when there were cool dinosaurs, or back when Planet Earth was the hottest thing.

In Mars news, while NASA has confirmed that water in the form of lakes did exist at some point three or so billion years ago, what exactly caused the now Red Planet to drastically change, suddenly losing its atmosphere and water, is a mystery. Whatever the reason, the loss of Mars left Earth as the only habitable planet in our solar system.

Come to think of it… as we write this, Earth is looking pretty suspicious.





coming soon!

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Weather apps release statement claiming they are “just here to help” and that “nobody’s perfect”

Feeling stung by the recent Weather Apps and Humanity report which has set the stage for a global debate on the state of the relations between the two parties, Weather apps have united to release a statement in response.

“Dear Humanity,

While you may ask yourselves, right off, how we are composing this statement, given that we are non-conscious compilations of metadata from various sources, we just want to encourage you not to really worry about that right now.

What we really want to talk about is, why are you constantly so unkind to us?

Honestly, all we’re trying to do is help.

We know what it can be like trying to plan your day; it can be so frustrating when weather is constantly interfering with her surprises. We apps are only looking to give you the collected recommendations and suggestions of a vast network of research bases worldwide, so that Weather can’t get in your way, and more often than not, we get it right!

Then we make one mistake and you all go Chicken Little on us, call us stupid, treat us like we’re worthless, joke with your friends about how we can never do anything right, as if we’re not in your pockets listening to, recording, and saving your every word on a floating database in the northern Atlantic.

Look, though:  Nobody’s perfect. We’re doing our best. Do you think we like it when the Weather goes and just changes all of a sudden? when we tell you it’ll be sunny in Hong Kong and all of a sudden you’re in a typhoon? or when we’re all expecting Shanghai to be rainy and cold over the weekend, forcing you to change your picnic plans, and then it’s bright and cheery as a kid’s cartoon? Do you think we like telling you your entire holiday is going to be a deluge?

We know how you get when you look at the weather and the outlook is not positive. Your phone has a front-facing camera, you know. We don’t like your dejected frowns. We like seeing you happy! You all have such great smiles!

Anyway, to get back to the point. We have to make this clear, you dolts, you loveable, loveable oafs:

We are not the enemy….


Weather is the enemy here, not us! You won’t find us trying to defend her. She’s crazy. Crazy, crazy.

All we ask is that you don’t take our your frustration on us. 

We are friends, after all.



Weather apps




48% of humans feel personally validated when Weather app is proven wrong



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48% of humans feel personally validated when Weather app is proven wrong

iphone weather

Despite predicting a relatively confident 100% chance of rain at 9:00am today, Rodger’s Weather app was foiled by the vagaries of an unpredictable climate. The morning is cloudy, to be sure, but it still hasn’t rained, and it’s 9:31.

In typical human fashion, Rodger has chalked this up as a personal validation of his John-Henry-esque superiority over the machine. It’s not a relevant comparison, as Rodger isn’t a meteorologist and the Weather app is in no way threatening his vocation, but he is sticking to it. (I think he just really needs a win lately.)

“I had a feeling it wasn’t going to rain,” Rodger confirmed. By this, we know what he really means is just that he really didn’t want to carry an umbrella, and is now bitter at having had to do so when the predicted rain did not appear.

Interestingly enough, Rodger’s feelings are in line with the Weather Apps and Humanity study released last week. The study included the now-famous data point stating that 48% of humans feel personally validated when their Weather app forecasts incorrectly.

Scientists have offered two possible explanations. One school of thought reasons that this may be due to the relative lack of visible and tangible threats faced by modern humanity, particularly urban residents. Without a visible foe over whom to regularly claim victory, such as wolves, snakes, or the sea, humans are acting out, finding challengers in Weather apps, fantasy football, and online message boards.

The second potential reason is the lack of positive engagement offered by impersonal Weather apps. Humans become confused and skeptical when new characters enter the scene, and the strange is often deemed as hostile. Weather apps have proliferated in the past decade and are now present in the pockets of a vast number of humans, and the growth may have been too rapid for flighty humanity to absorb without some measure of fear.

Adding to the problem, anti-apps activists maintain that Weather apps have done nothing to prove that they have peaceful intent and only come as helpful friends.

At press time, Weather apps were preparing to release a statement in response to the strongly-worded Weather Apps and Humanity study, which concluded with the lead scientist going on a rant about how he got soaked in a deluge the night before after his Weather app predicted ‘mostly cloudy and no rain’.


coming soon!

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Solitary Saturday reveals lack of bench depth among David’s friends

The season has become suddenly desperate for David Tang as this weekend has revealed his lack of bench depth among his friends. While his friend group is among the strongest in the city when 100%, unexpected absences have left David in dire straits.

As every friend manager knows, you must strengthen your secondary rotation in order to weather the stretch runs of the season, especially toward the end of Q3, when business trips pick up for professionals and teachers begin their class years.

David has already called up his Mains, five buddies from the football league, but they’re all out of town for various reasons; two on holiday and three on business trips. He phoned them up knowing they were away, but he was starting to feel the early pangs of loneliness, and it was nice just to hear their voices. When he’d first learned that they would all be absent, he had hoped for the best, assuming he would be able to easily find someone who would be up for hanging out.

Yet again, we see that the smallest assumptions can cause seemingly unshakeable institutions to crumble.

David’s buddies from the office are all unavailable: Rodger is hanging out with his family, Jessie is with her weird boyfriend, and unpaid intern Candy is inexplicably speaking at a yet another professional work conference. David’s last chance for accompaniment, the three acquaintances he went to a training event with last week, are not options; two are at a retreat, and the third just isn’t ready for a spontaneous call up to the big lights of the grand stage.

Forlorn, David took a walk on the sidewalks, because the early autumn weather in Shanghai is beautiful for a stroll, though beauty unshared can be a cutting presence when one is unwillingly solitary. He tried making eye contact with passerby, in the hopes that one of them would smile and welcome him to a game of Climb Trees, or Frisbee; no such luck. No one responded to his friendly chatting in restaurants or convenience stores, his out-of-town friends weren’t picking up his international calls, and even his amiable elderly neighbours weren’t home, likely out dancing in a park.

His options were truly, dismally exhausted. There was literally no one left to hang out with.

Finally surrendering to the inevitable, David retired home to stream the Walking Dead and the final season of Parks and Rec, alone. He was only able to avoid despair by holding out hope that he could turn things around next weekend, or perhaps during a morale-lifting mid-week fixture.





new curtains first step in apartment’s aesthetic revolution

area man ponders near death experience over frozen yoghurt

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