Tag Archives: space

Alien on KIC 8462852 feels pretty stupid for leaving starships out where Earth could see


Scientists have stated that they believe the white bits to be stars.

Recent discoveries of objects in a distant star system that could potentially be structures created by intelligent life forms have whipped global scientific communities into a frenzy. It is becoming increasingly likely that humans are just years away from the public announcement that they are not alone in the universe.

Meanwhile, speaking to us from a dingy hotel in the star system KIC 8462852, Rto’sohe’vhin is feeling like the biggest dunce ever.

“They told me a million times, they really did,” he explained to us again, referring to his superiors at his former company, which roughly translates to Sunny Times Solar Irrigation Group. He was let go after leadership became aware of his mistake, which led humans to suspect the presence of extraterrestrial life in the KIC system. “They said, don’t leave these monolithic power ships out overnight. The earthies might see.” (Earthies appear to be the word his race uses to refer to humans. It is a term which appears to signify neither derision nor endearment.)

Advanced societies across the universe have apparently gone to great lengths to avoid discovery by the inhabitants of Earth, and our research leads us to believe that eluding detection is actually a relatively elementary task. To be the first race discovered by humans is, frankly, pretty embarrassing.

“We’re all worried about the earthies. As soon as they find another planet, they’ll be on it like space flies. Filling up the hotels, making everything more expensive… They’re getting more and more persistent, the earthies with their looking glasses. Used to be they were just cute little glass toys; now those toys float around in space and just go around wreaking havoc! They’re spotting unsuspecting new solar systems, ruining the market for near-earth holiday destinations, stumbling upon extraterrestrial starships, getting people fired unceremoniously from the job where they’ve worked for over a thousand years…”

Rto’sohe’vhin explained the purpose of the structures to us. As an agricultural-based society, his race has collectively channeled its immense intellect and technological prowess into creating gigantic starships which are essentially light irrigation stations orbiting their star. Using incredibly advanced technology, fragile solar particles are absorbed, enriched, and transmitted to their home planet, where the energy is distributed to their myriad crop systems, which thrive on the intricately balanced diet of enhanced photons. At peak capacity, these titanic machines can absorb and repurpose up to a staggering 20% of the sun’s emitted light.

“It’s pretty frightening, really, when I think through the implications, that loads of humans might be flocking over here any moment now. My word, they are messy. And loud. And it’s all going to be my fault. I won’t be able to show my [face] for thousands of years if this, my one silly, silly mistake, is what ends up bringing in hordes of earthie tourists. This place has charm, you know? It won’t be the same if everyone and their neighbour finds out about it…”

The public on KIC 8462852 seems to be warming to Rto’sohe’vhin’s plight in recent days, though some are still simmering. Our interviewees’ comments ranged widely, from the sympathetic “We all leave our things out from time to time; his just happened to be spotted by those terrifying aliens from earth…” all the way to “He was always an idiot.”

As we were speaking to Rto’sohe’vhin, something suddenly dawned on us (very stretched pun there unintended). When we asked him whether the orbiting light-irrigation stations could convert the enriched solar energy into condensed, apocalyptically-destructive laser beams capable of traversing the vastness of space and striking, for example, nosy planets like Earth, he replied in the affirmative. “Of course! But good heavens, why would you even think about such a thing?”

“After all, advanced races look out for each other… ” trailed off the alien, who, we might remind you, is newly laid-off as a result of the earthies’ discovery of his race. “…don’t they?”

Time will tell, Rto’sohe’vhin. Time will tell.






captain planet open to kepler opportunity…

earth a bit peeved at all the talk about kepler, mars

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Captain Planet open to Kepler opportunity, if an opening were to be made available

captain planet

Shock hit the airwaves last week when widely beloved environmental pioneer Captain Planet announced that he’d be ‘open to a move if a Kepler opportunity opened up’.

In a recent interview with Time, Mr Planet responded with the above when asked about his interest level in potential professional opportunities with newly-discovered Kepler exoplanets, which scientists believe may be habitable.

His comments have sparked anger worldwide. One netizen commented “If Captain Planet feels that way, they maybe he can just get his green mullet and weird blue self out of here!”, a post which has subsequently been shared over four hundred thousand times at press time, despite its anti-blue and xenophobic overtones. Others called for a new environmental champion, questioning Planet’s dedication, and some have even begun to suggest replacement candidates, pointing to Planet’s struggles to establish himself at the top of the environmental champion table over the past decade or so.

In response, however, many have voiced support for the Captain, saying his comments were ‘taken’ out of ‘context’. One commenter mused, “As soon as we find another habitable planet, we’ll try to go pollute that one, too. Where better for him to go??” Many netizens have highlighted Mr Planet’s many environmental successes, including the highlight of his career, the double defeats of Captain Pollution in the early 1990s.

Major media outlets have been closely following the news; BBC is leading the pack with their #trending Captain Popularity metre. In all polls, Mr Planet’s public approval rating initially plummeted before beginning a wild variation over the past few days as new pieces of information have come to light.

The Captain, for his part, seems quite taken aback by the whole mess. “My comments were absolutely taken out of context,” he said in a prepared statement. “I’m probably the biggest supporter of Earth on the whole planet. I can’t leave Earth! The question about Kepler was posited from a purely hypothetical standpoint, and I answered in a fitting fashion. In fact, I considered it to be in jest, and I now regret having taken such a serious question so lightly.”

The interviewer, however, claims that Mr Planet made several disconcerting comments in the lead-up to the interview. She described the Captain’s demeanour as ‘unquestionably grim’ and ‘almost defeated’, and when she asked him about his current attitude toward humanity’s environmental efforts, he allegedly simply shook his head and sighed, mumbling something about ’they…don’t care’ and ‘…hopeless anyway’.

The New Yorker has responded with a well-documented look at Captain Planet’s sterling professional career, and I personally must say that the closing line, which referred to his record as ‘unpolluted’, was yet another moment of sheer class from the esteemed magazine.

We will keep you up to date as the situation develops.





earth a bit peeved at all the talk about kepler, mars

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Earth a bit peeved at all the talk about Kepler, Mars



With the news wires stuffed to the seams with discoveries on Mars and updates on potentially earth-like Kepler exoplanets, and blockbuster movie The Martian setting box-office records, Earth is starting to feel a bit neglected.

“I mean, look, I try not to root for things to not work out,” explained the Earth, home of humanity for at least several dozen more years. We were asking her casually about the recent fuss concerning Kepler-452b specifically; the news pieces we’ve been seeing have run the gamut in terms of their analysis of the liveability rating of the potentially habitable planet. Some say it is an upgrade to our beloved blue marble, others say it is nowhere close to liveable, and the majority confirm that we honestly just don’t really know.

Earth, however, seems none too pleased with the whole topic. She’s still talking.

“It’s just that you can’t really expect me to hope my so-called replacement does that well, you know? I’m all for developing young talent. I’m just saying, I’m also not going to bow out so easily. I’ve still got ages left in me. I’m just hitting my peak!”

“I wouldn’t mind having some sort of substitute come in – a backup – just to take some of the stress off. I’d love to get rid of some of you humans, don’t get me wrong – I’m not naming names – but for people to start talking as if they’ve found a better planet?

“That hurts a bit. Yeah. I have to be honest, it does sting. It’s like, you do your best for all these creatures, especially the humans, even though you’re never cleaning up your messes, and you’re real princes and princesses sometimes, a bunch of real twags, and for all that work, all you get is a box-office-record-setting movie about Mars!”

She seemed wistful for a moment, probably remembering the glory years when there were cool dinosaurs, or back when Planet Earth was the hottest thing.

In Mars news, while NASA has confirmed that water in the form of lakes did exist at some point three or so billion years ago, what exactly caused the now Red Planet to drastically change, suddenly losing its atmosphere and water, is a mystery. Whatever the reason, the loss of Mars left Earth as the only habitable planet in our solar system.

Come to think of it… as we write this, Earth is looking pretty suspicious.





coming soon!

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