Hong Kong resident Nigel Dortmund has been missing for several days after embarking on what is now being considered an ill-fated safari trip through northern Uganda. He is presumed deceased after his personal effects were found near a well-known play area of several infant lions.
While safari reports record the size of the suspected lions as ‘small’, their age as ‘infant’, and their cute factor as ‘major’, it appears that they were still able to kill the 30-year-old tourist.
The Dortmund family has repeatedly requested that the newspapers reporting on their missing and presumedly deceased son remove any and all references to the size, ferociousness, and dangerability of the lions which took his life. Private sources indicate that the family is concerned their image and name will be negatively impacted by the fact that their dearly departed was slain by animals which appear in pictures to resemble cuddly, stuffed children’s toys.
At the recent memorial service in his hometown, pictures of the alleged killer lions were responded to with ‘Awww!’s and similar exclamations of delight and pleasure from the crowd. Many seemed disappointed when the slide show switched to childhood pictures of Nigel and murmurs of disapproval spread throughout the audience.
“Nigel was great, sure,” commented one guest. “But you have to see those lions. They are seriously the cutest.”
One guest confirmed that she “literally couldn’t even handle how cute the lions were”.
In an attempt to stem the damage to their reputation, Nigel’s family, joined by close friends, organised a protest and awareness march through downtown on Saturday night in which they aimed to educate the public on the fact that “baby lions are dangerous, too” and that “people who may or may not have been killed and eaten by baby lions are really manly and tough, just as much as anybody who gets done in by a more serious animal, and, actually, getting eaten by something super cute might make you even tougher than other people who get eaten by (subjectively) scarier, larger things, like sharks, dinosaurs, or bears.” It was a lot of information to include on one placard, to be frank, but they wanted to get their point across.
Unfortunately, as per usual, having too much text backfired, as the billboards and placards of the marchers also featured large, hi-res images of the creatures, who are admittedly just the most adorable. Instead of being demonised as the dangerous killers they really are, baby lions are now enjoying an unprecedented boom in the public’s approval rating, accompanied by skyrocketing general feelings of warmth and happiness among those who viewed the images.
After reports surfaced that Nigel was most likely eaten after wandering through his campsite at night looking for muesli, several large muesli producers have taken steps to distance themselves from the incident, with one major anonymous source confirming that they do not believe eating muesli increases in any significant way the likelihood of death by baby lion.
NIGEL SERIES POSTS
find part one: former backpacker shocked by revelation that he is a complete yuppie now here
find part three: tourist rescued by passing fishermen here