hablando solo

In the United States, Church of Mammon membership is hitting record highs with the recent political successes of Donald Trump.

“It’s fantastic, really. Some people are even saying it’s ‘unprecedented’,” said one newly-minted Church of Mammon member, Dorothy Arnolds. “We’ve been playing ourselves off as Christians for so many years, but here comes Donald Trump, and finally – finally! – we can show our true colors!”

“Make America Great Forever!” she chanted, as we sauntered off to write this article.

The Church of Mammon was founded over 2,000 years ago by a rich young man who, after an encounter with Jesus of Nazareth, decided that a life of following God and the potential sacrifices which may ensue was simply too difficult and uncomfortable to pursue, despite the promise of love and fellowship with the Father, the purported Home of human hearts. This ambitious young man went on to promote the pursuit of riches, though his movement met with continued intellectual conflict with the newly forming Christian community.

Famously, it was Jesus Christ himself who said, “You can serve only one master, either God, or Mammon,” implying that the true followers of God could not logically or rationally also follow Mammon, a symbol for the worship of wealth or possessions.

Nowadays, however, the followers of Mammon seem to have finally found their champion, and recent reports show that they are leaving the church of Jesus in droves.

Mammon, known across the ancient world as the scion of finance and material wealth, has found a modern fleshly companion in the form of Donald Trump. Critical to Mr. Trump’s electoral chances are the millions of former evangelical Christians in the United States who have left the religion of Jesus of Nazareth, famous for his denunciation of wealth and privilege, and joined Trump’s movement, notable for its lack of knowledge of biblical principles and, crucially, knowledge of even a single Bible verse.

“All that Jesus mumbo-jumbo was nice for awhile, right, when it was bringing in votes and all that,” said Mitch McConnell, an ardent Trump supporter and actual elected Congressman. “But now we’ve got a bunch of immigrants, and foreigners, and all that, we don’t have time for all that Sunday school crap! We need somebody who’s gonna throw some punches!”

Trump himself was exultant in the recent societal movement. “You know, I couldn’t tell you a single Bible verse. But I love the Bible. I do. It’s the Bible. I love the Bible. How can we not love the Bible? You know who doesn’t love it? Immigrants. And Ted Cruz. And that Rubio kid. They’re both immigrants anyway. And other people who don’t love the Bible are people who don’t love Donald Trump. I’m Donald Trump!”

A groundswell of support to name the Trump as the official Prophet of Mammon is quickly gaining momentum. We’ll update you with the latest in the days to follow.