hablando solo

Thirty days ago, Russian President Vladimir Putin declared that people who live in Donetsk, Luhansk, Kherson and Zaporizhzhia were becoming Russian citizens — ‘forever.’

This led some people to believe that Putin was saying that cities like Kherson were under Russian control ‘forever’, in the temporal sense, as in ‘permanently, without end, for the rest of time’. These same people ostensibly had reason to be confused when Russian troops hauled ass out of Kherson, completing their withdrawal today as Ukrainian forces retook the city. 

This confusion reveals why you can only trust authorities to define words!

If Russia only stayed in Kherson for thirty days, then what did Putin mean by ‘forever’? Did the deeply competent leader speak in error? 

No! Of course not! The only certainty more certain than Putin’s infallibility is [REDACTED]. 

Don’t listen to the critics. Putin was obviously referring to the RUSSIA FOREVER™ streaming service which was offered — on a free trial, no less! — to the deeply, profoundly ungrateful residents of Kherson, who took advantage of the free trial and then — like Satanists! — did not subscribe. 

The city was allowed to try everything Putin’s Russia had to offer and, in an absolutely atrocious display of ill-will, rejected it out of hand. Kremlin analysts were stunned, especially after looking at the full Putin Package that was included in the free 30-day trial: 

• Russian education, but only the kind that traitor Dosteovsky complained about in his typical, immeasurably erroneous way
• Putinternet, which helpfully reduces the dizzying amount of websites on the Internet down to only those which accurately portray Reality™ (a subsidiary of RUSSIA FOREVER™) — along with erotic fanfiction about Putin and various floppy-haired presidents of other nations
• Putin’s Rubles, which are like gift certificates for the billions of high-quality, totally-real businesses that offer patriotic Putin-approved products and services, like posters of Putin or MyPutinBodyPillows by Mike Lindell
• The Regime phone service, which encourages people to spend less time on their smartphones by not offering functional phone or internet connections 
• A twelve-hour video loop of Putin saying ‘Hooray Russia’ and clapping arhythmically every three to five seconds

The residents of Kherson have emphatically decided to keep their old, freely-chosen way of doing things; Kremlin pundits freely admit that they do not understand this attitude — or approve of any who do.

At any rate, the misunderstanding has been cleared up: Putin remains infallible, and RUSSIA FOREVER™ remains the world’s most popular streaming service — with over 8 billion subscribers, the loss of the clients in Kherson won’t even be felt. In fact, there has never been a more glorious thing to happen. 

If you would like to subscribe again to RUSSIA FOREVER™ (it is taken for granted that you are already subscribed at least once) the form can be found here.

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