Promising new act furthers career with Shanghai cancellation

In an already meteoric rise to the top of the pop world’s esteem, up-and-coming ethereal folk-punk act Ceramic Sea Turtles have cancelled their upcoming Shanghai tour stop.

“It really is an honour to be invited to a show in Shanghai, so that we could go on to cancel it,” commented bassist Heart Pettigrew. “Not many acts have the privilege of having been set to play here, for loads of thrilled fans, only to backtrack and decide not to follow through.”

He began to list off a number of the acts in whose hallowed company Ceramic Sea Turtles now find themselves, getting most of them correct. Maroon Five, Aerosmith, Lenny Kravitz, Robbie Williams, James Blake, and Katy Perry were all mentioned. “Katy Perry, you know, say what you want about her music, but she’s well fit,” the bassist added thoughtfully.

“I’d buy her a ginger ale, no doubt,” he concluded, with the pure and earnest eyes of a master poet, whose talent and ability will not be shared with mainland China’s bustling financial hub.

Even fashion mogul Jacobim Mugatu took note. “If they’ve already cancelled Shanghai, there’s really no telling how far these kids can go. I can’t even tell you how hot they are right now.”

The reasons for past high-profile cancellations are numerous, including everything from logistics troubles, visa issues, and political protest, though many prominent critics address the failure to show up as evidence that the artists just couldn’t really be fussed. It is pretty far out there, and a lot of stuff is in Chinese, many critics will admit.

Lead singer Andrew O’Marcus-Stein had more to add. “The fans here, really, they’re just incredible. We were reading comments online, and we even received a few letters, and they were really, really jazzed up to see us. Pretty sure they’ll be gutted now, really gutted. Inconsolably, even. You can tell they care, you know?” He looked off into the distance with that now-famous far-away gaze, which Shanghai fans will no longer be able to behold on September the 19th, which is sure to be a delightfully pleasing autumn evening.

“And the venues, too,” chimed in the drummer, who many around the world now lovingly refer to as Pecks, because that’s what he calls his chest muscles. “The venues, the way everybody just kinda sits there and enjoys the music patiently, right, all respectful, nobody distractin’ ya with dancin’ and things. That’s pretty cool. Kind’ve a dream, you know, to be able to cancel on somethin’ like that.”

“I’m sure we’ll reschedule in a few years, when we’re, like, really a big deal, and we can back out when we’re even closer to the big date,” concluded O’Marcus-Stein, who made the call to cancel two months before the show. “How we did it, I’ll admit, it’s somewhat underwhelming, as all the fans can move on and avoid getting their hopes up… it’s always better to cancel the week before, or even the day of, to really crush their hopes properly, give ’em something to remember, you know.”

“When we don’t cancel, that’s when you know things are really going downhill!” he added, to the concurring laughter of his band-mates.

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