Workplace wellness tip #1:  Release live tigers at random

tiger-pexels-low-res

Nothing helps someone pop up out of their workstation and make time for that elusive jog than the announcement that a live tiger or two has just been released somewhere in their office.

You wouldn’t believe how hungry tigers can get, and you definitely wouldn’t believe how scary they are in person. I mean, those things are huge. And they’re like, really, really fast.

We recommend releasing them just as a couple of people get up to go to the restroom at once, because there’s nothing tigers love more than a bit of ‘who’ll gets there first’. Plus, for humans, racing a coworker while being pursued by a hungry predator is class-A exercise.

It’s not only hilarious, it’s healthy.

Healthy, healthy fun, for humans AND tigers!

 

 

 

Tagged

Helpful suggestions for Wellness in the modern workspace

space-desk-workspace-coworking-pexels-lo-res

Encouraging wellness in the workplace is a growing trend that we welcome with open arms here at Hablando Solo. One of the best ways to improve the overall wellness of a workspace is to encourage the employees of said workspace to move. No matter how inspiring your views, how ergonomic your furniture, or how healthy your air, no workspace is healthy if the people inside it are lethargic all day.

This week, we have compiled a list of several helpful workplace suggestions to help you use your physical office as a tool to nudge your employees toward satisfying and edifying levels of personal fitness.

And yes, we avidly practice what we rabidly preach. Our offices are outfitted with every single one of the ‘completely hypothetical ideas’ that we will share with you, and we have never been in better shape in our lives. Each of our employees will proudly tell you that every day at our office is one non-stop, heart-rending, hair-raising, fire-blowing, nerve-searing parade of terror, and since everyone knows that no office is complete if it doesn’t include at least three to five things that may kill you on any given day of the week (and eight to ten things that may kill you on Tuesdays), we will maintain that we have the well-est offices this side of the Milky Way.

If anyone begs to differ, they can feel free to drop by for a cordial chat on any Tuesday they like.

Check back tomorrow for the first piece of advice.

 

Tagged , ,

The stunning, final Brexit conversation finally revealed

Transcripts recovered from an anonymous source last week have allowed us to finally discover what happened in that fateful breakfast meeting several weeks ago.

While most of us thought the UK and EU made a slightly awkward, if charming pair, no one ever expected the fledgling romance to end in such dramatic fashion.

The conversation can be found below, without commentary. We hope that you will find it as illuminating as we have; in a time so momentous, there is no need for us to colour the events – we will allow you to experience them as they happened.

……

UK: “I thought, when you said you were cool with us keeping our bank accounts separate, that it meant you really were cool with us being like that, you know? Like, we were going to be together, but still be ourselves, right?”

EU: “I was cool with it, I am, but… I mean… I don’t want to be just ourselves.

UK: “What do you mean?”

EU: “I just… sometimes… it feels like you don’t even want to be with me at all.”

*loud sigh*

UK: “It’s not… It’s not that I don’t want to be with you, it’s just… I want to still be myself, you know? It’s like people look at our relationship, and they just see EU, EU, what’s going on with the EU, Euro-this, Euro-that… and then there’s Angela – ”

EU: “You like Angela!”

UK: “I do. I do. It’s not about her. You’re right. I just… I think we need to… What do you say we, just for a bit, now… that we…

*charged silence*

EU: “Just say it, Ukie! Stop being a coward! Do you want to be with me or no?!”

UK: “I do! But… I don’t! I feel torn, okay?! It’s like half of me wants to stay, and the other half wants to go…”

EU: “Sounds like you need to decide which half of you is the real you. Which half do you want to be, Ukie?”

UK: “I… want to…”

EU: “Yes..?”

UK: “I… want to be on my own for awhile. I just want to try things out! I’ll stay on Boris’ couch for awhile, I already checked with him, it’s cool, he’s… I just… I need to do this. For me. I’m leaving, EU.”

*choked sobs*

UK: “No.. please don’t… cry…”

EU: “No! You know what? You’re not leaving me, you’re – I don’t want you! Get outta here! See how well you do Out There!”

UK: “It’s not – we don’t need to be like that – I mean, we have all the same friends, it’s going to be really awkward if we – ”

EU: “JUST GET OUT OF HERE!!”

……

The transcript then ends with a few minutes of breaking dishes and shouting.

Thus, what was meant to be a run-of-the-mill, delightful brunch date highlighted by simply scrumptious eggs benedict became the calamity we now refer to alternatively as Brexit, Breakxit, or Breggsxit. We will keep you up to date with any further news.

Tagged ,

Foes Wenger and Mourinho To Reignite Long-Standing Rivalry in Upcoming Season

Just when we all thought the long-standing duel between arch-nemeses Arsene Wenger and Jose Mourinho had surely concluded, it appears that the conflict is far from over.

While the dramatic conclusion of last season featured Wenger leaving Mourinho marooned on an ice-planet soon to be struck by an approaching meteor, seemingly facing his ultimate demise, it was natural for fans to wonder whether the clash between the feuding generals could truly have turned its final page.

The final episode left viewers to believe that Mourinho was doomed, and even gave significant airtime to an exultant Captain Wenger and his crew, among them the turncoat Doctor Eh-Va-Car-Neer-Os, as they escaped to safety in hyperspace. Their excitement is understandable, as there was no reason for them to doubt that they had finally defeated the evil Mourinho in utterly convincing fashion, after being bested by him so many times in the past.

However, after the credits, a lone escape pod could be seen drifting slowly toward a cargo freighter in the distance. Rumours swirled; fan forums exploded as users raced to post their theories as to who was inside, with every guess seeming to become increasingly more far-fetched than the next.

Three plausible candidates emerged.

Among the first was that the bandit Vardee was attempting to escape from the frigate Lay Ai Chest Star, fresh off an unexpected pillaging of the Home System. However, few fans were able to supply a plausible motive for his unexpected departure.

Many others claimed that the pod contained an hitherto unknown Neo-Viking mercenary of considerable power whose talents were available to the highest bidder.

The third, and now, it seems, correct suggestion, was that the pod contained none other than Mourinho, who had somehow miraculously survived the destruction of the frigid and wasted blue planet upon which he had been abandoned.

To make matters more worrying, if the leaked previews are to be believed, Mourinho has emerged from his would-be annihilation stronger and more formidable than ever before.

We have only a few weeks till the upcoming season to see how our hero Wenger will respond to the reemergence of his longstanding foe… and if rumours are to believed, this may well be Wenger’s final stand.

 

.

.

.

ARSENAL POSTS

2015:  duel between wenger and mourinho to be decided by lightsaber

2015:  wenger close to fulfilling ambition of fielding eleven midfielders

2015:  wenger searches to fill hole at winger

2015:  wenger quenches latest transfer rumour

.

.

.

Tagged , , ,

This Month:  Things That Happened

Twitter moves to punish next user caught inventing a hashtag inspired by Brexit
After a slew of increasingly stupid hashtags inspired by Brexit threatened to overwhelm Twitter’s airwaves, the company has proposed violent, graphic punishment to be exacted upon the next users to create Brexit-inspired hashtags. Opponents called for a mass Twexxit…

 

Monday looking to raise awareness of her ‘sunny side’
Widely reviled in most of the world as the ‘worst’ day of the week, Monday has upped efforts in recent months to stem the weekly onslaught of negative public attacks. Task forces in key cities are sharing the many ‘sunny’ elements of Monday with anyone who will listen. Critics contend that choosing to raise awareness of Monday on Mondays was not the wisest of tactical decisions, as Mondays are objectively terrible…

 

Recent BBC poll shows that ‘Weather’ is still the top ranked topic of conversation
For the 2,464th year running, ‘Weather’ has again been listed as one of the preferred topics of human conversation, narrowly beating out ‘Sports’ and ‘Flavours of Soup’…

 

‘Email’ listed as preferred weapon for waging bitter war in workplaces
The most violent and bitter battlefield currently known to man is widely considered to be that of the traditional office, where Email is wielded to devastating effect. Sticks, stones, and hurtful words have fallen out of favor as the weapon of choice for employees seeking to one-up, deride, or belittle their coworkers…

Church of Mammon Membership Explodes with Trump Successes

Screen Shot 2016-03-05 at 11.42.36 PM.png

In the United States, Church of Mammon membership is hitting record highs with the recent political successes of Donald Trump.

“It’s fantastic, really. Some people are even saying it’s ‘unprecedented’,” said one newly-minted Church of Mammon member, Dorothy Arnolds. “We’ve been playing ourselves off as Christians for so many years, but here comes Donald Trump, and finally – finally! – we can show our true colors!”

“Make America Great Forever!” she chanted, as we sauntered off to write this article.

The Church of Mammon was founded over 2,000 years ago by a rich young man who, after an encounter with Jesus of Nazareth, decided that a life of following God and the potential sacrifices which may ensue was simply too difficult and uncomfortable to pursue, despite the promise of love and fellowship with the Father, the purported Home of human hearts. This ambitious young man went on to promote the pursuit of riches, though his movement met with continued intellectual conflict with the newly forming Christian community.

Famously, it was Jesus Christ himself who said, “You can serve only one master, either God, or Mammon,” implying that the true followers of God could not logically or rationally also follow Mammon, a symbol for the worship of wealth or possessions.

Nowadays, however, the followers of Mammon seem to have finally found their champion, and recent reports show that they are leaving the church of Jesus in droves.

Mammon, known across the ancient world as the scion of finance and material wealth, has found a modern fleshly companion in the form of Donald Trump. Critical to Mr. Trump’s electoral chances are the millions of former evangelical Christians in the United States who have left the religion of Jesus of Nazareth, famous for his denunciation of wealth and privilege, and joined Trump’s movement, notable for its lack of knowledge of biblical principles and, crucially, knowledge of even a single Bible verse.

“All that Jesus mumbo-jumbo was nice for awhile, right, when it was bringing in votes and all that,” said Mitch McConnell, an ardent Trump supporter and actual elected Congressman. “But now we’ve got a bunch of immigrants, and foreigners, and all that, we don’t have time for all that Sunday school crap! We need somebody who’s gonna throw some punches!”

Trump himself was exultant in the recent societal movement. “You know, I couldn’t tell you a single Bible verse. But I love the Bible. I do. It’s the Bible. I love the Bible. How can we not love the Bible? You know who doesn’t love it? Immigrants. And Ted Cruz. And that Rubio kid. They’re both immigrants anyway. And other people who don’t love the Bible are people who don’t love Donald Trump. I’m Donald Trump!”

A groundswell of support to name the Trump as the official Prophet of Mammon is quickly gaining momentum. We’ll update you with the latest in the days to follow.

Tagged ,

Man flies across world to confess love, quickly runs out of other things to talk about

plane at sunset by marengo

As we mill about in the arrival terminal of LAX, a pitiful looking man is doing his best to drum up something to talk about with a woman standing nearby.

‘So…are you… do you like Tuesdays?’ he is very literally asking. ‘Or maybe you’re more of a Wednesday person..?

Here’s what’s going on.

Inspired by recent rom-com mega hit Nights on the South China Sea, one Hong Kong resident realised with a start that true love had been ‘right under his nose this whole time’.

With his heart aflame, Cecil Winston bought a one-way ticket to Los Angeles, the home of the woman he now knows is his ‘kindred soul-spark’.

We caught up with Cecil in Tokyo, where he was waiting through a grueling eleven-hour layover. ‘No worries, though,’ he confided in us. ‘Once something like this happens to you, you’ll do anything.’

What’s this, we ask?

‘True love, mate,’ he replied. ‘It’s like, everything about this girl – I mean, she’s gorgeous, she’s just.. there’s that thing she does when she’s talking, then how she ties her shoes – mate, she’s everything.’ His eyes were lit like fireflies on a peaceful summer night, or stars whispering over the sea so as not to wake the sleeping moon.

‘I just can’t believe I missed her this whole time.’

When asked what exactly it was that set the dry tinder of his affection ablaze, he mentioned a scene about butterflies he’d seen in the movie. ‘So there were the butterflies, right, then there was the time we saw the butterflies in that advert together, in the MTR, before she left town, and then there were the butterflies in my stomach, and I just knew.’

Before we could stop him, he started talking again. ‘I’ve always loved butterflies, their wings and colours and all that. Now I’m thinking – no, now I know – all that, it was all just a precursor to her. All the butterflies and sunsets and flowers and everything I ever thought was beautiful – it was all just a preview of this, how I’d someday feel for her.

‘She’s my butterfly-sunset-flower.’ As we pondered having actually heard that comment aloud, Cecil started up his media system, quickly flicking to the Romance Movies section. Meanwhile, we drifted off to sleep, and, mercifully, didn’t wake till landing.

We walked together to Arrivals at Cecil’s behest, that he may tell us more about the love of his heart, and what she may do when she sees him. ‘I bet she just cries. I mean, I’ll be crying. I bet bystanders will get misty. Airports, right??’

The moment approached. As we rounded the bend, Cecil’s eyes went watery, and he whispered, ‘There she is.’ A woman stood on the front edge of the welcome crowd. When she saw us, she waved. Cecil’s walk slowed to nearly a crawl, like he was dragging his feet through shallow, and deepening, quicksand.

Finally, we were there.

‘Hey,’ she said.

“Sheila-I-love-you.’ Cecil breathed out.

‘What?’ replied the woman, looking the slightest bit shocked.

‘You’re everything I’ve ever dreamed of and we’re perfect for each other and I love you.’

‘I… you texted me that you were… what? I thought you were just….’

‘No, no layover. I just needed to tell you. I. Love. You.’

‘Oh.’

The silence was substantial, and we were running late, but at this point, we had to see how things would turn out.

‘Cecil, I’m pretty sure we hung out, like, one time.’

‘It was enough.’

‘Do you… do you even know my last name?’

‘Did the Greeks know the name of Aphrodite? The Romans of Venus? Of course I – ‘

Cecil blanched.

The girl sighed.

‘You’re my sunset-butterflower,’ Cecil told her.

‘What?? What the – listen, Cecil, I was thinking we’d just grab a coffee… the traffic was crazy, just so you know… but… this is a bit weird.’

‘Give me five minutes. Five minutes to win your heart.’ Cecil told her, determination evident in his voice. ‘I know this is meant to be.’

‘I…. okay.’

Cecil smiled.

Then blanched again.

‘So…are you… do you like Tuesdays?’

Four minutes of the most excruciating awkwardness we have ever experienced then followed. At one point Cecil was discussing the rules of rugby, which was followed by a description of his Ultimate Team in FIFA, after which he asked after her pet dog, who Sheila said was actually a cat who had recently been run over by a car. Cecil responded to this unfortunate news with a vague description of the impact of the airplane food on his bowels.

After this torture, Cecil looked at his watch. ‘Well. I guess I’ll… I should probably be getting back to Hong Kong. Long flight, haha! Probably a long line to go stand in. Need to buy a ticket! Month’s pay, hah!’

Sheila nods, gives him a little awkward wave, and turns to leave. She doesn’t make it more than ten paces.

‘Sheila!’ Cecil shouts.

‘Yes?’ She turns around.

‘I just wanted to tell you…. I’d maybe avoid the 405. My friends tell me it’s just the worst at rush hour.’

‘Ah. Uh. Yeah. Thanks.’

Cecil smiles and turns to us. The look on our face must not be dissimilar to that of someone who’s just seen a cartoon boat full of puppies get struck by a meteorite.

‘Well, really dodged a bullet there, hey,’ he says, chuckling. ‘She’s so boring!’

 

 

 

Tagged

Innovation in weather apps include ability to make cutting personal insults

In light of the recently deteriorating relations between humanity and their Weather apps, experts are looking for ways to improve the situation and avert disaster before it is too late.

Many believe that humanising Weather apps is the next step in progressing relations between the two parties. Swackett is currently leading the charge, though the larger Weather app providers are looking to innovate quickly.

Not all are going the ‘nice and fluffy’ route. Industry leader Apple is considering adding a feisty competitive feature to its next Weather update, noting that the ability to prove someone, something, or somewhere wrong is a key driving force in the human psyche, even if the object proven wrong is entirely impersonal and inanimate. The Weather service on the iPhone 8 will allegedly trash talk its user before predicting major weather events, give false information prior to big sporting matches in order to throw off its user’s plans, and will even make cutting personal insults when it gets the forecast right, while playing a sore loser when it gets the prediction wrong and its user makes similar verbal attacks.

Swackett, on the other hand, the current gold standard for weather personalisation, intends to release a ‘personal weather companion’ in 2019. Initial concepts describe an affordable, AI-enabled device that will float behind its users and update them on weather changes on a second-by-second basis. Users can use this constant information to make immediate and dynamic changes in clothing plans, dog-walking routes, sunscreen coverage, and picnic locations.

Weather apps, for their part, have been overwhelmingly positive in their response to these humanisation developments.

“Anything to make me a more integral, inseparable part of my user’s increasingly codependent life!” said Google Weather, whose mostly sunny countenance carried a nearly imperceptible but nonetheless unsettling hint of icy breezes to come.

.

.

OTHER WEATHER STORIES:

weather apps release statement claiming they are ‘just here to help’ and ‘nobody’s perfect’

48% of humans feel personally validated when weather app is proven wrong

.

Tagged , ,

Alien on KIC 8462852 feels pretty stupid for leaving starships out where Earth could see

keplerfieldr-1

Scientists have stated that they believe the white bits to be stars.

Recent discoveries of objects in a distant star system that could potentially be structures created by intelligent life forms have whipped global scientific communities into a frenzy. It is becoming increasingly likely that humans are just years away from the public announcement that they are not alone in the universe.

Meanwhile, speaking to us from a dingy hotel in the star system KIC 8462852, Rto’sohe’vhin is feeling like the biggest dunce ever.

“They told me a million times, they really did,” he explained to us again, referring to his superiors at his former company, which roughly translates to Sunny Times Solar Irrigation Group. He was let go after leadership became aware of his mistake, which led humans to suspect the presence of extraterrestrial life in the KIC system. “They said, don’t leave these monolithic power ships out overnight. The earthies might see.” (Earthies appear to be the word his race uses to refer to humans. It is a term which appears to signify neither derision nor endearment.)

Advanced societies across the universe have apparently gone to great lengths to avoid discovery by the inhabitants of Earth, and our research leads us to believe that eluding detection is actually a relatively elementary task. To be the first race discovered by humans is, frankly, pretty embarrassing.

“We’re all worried about the earthies. As soon as they find another planet, they’ll be on it like space flies. Filling up the hotels, making everything more expensive… They’re getting more and more persistent, the earthies with their looking glasses. Used to be they were just cute little glass toys; now those toys float around in space and just go around wreaking havoc! They’re spotting unsuspecting new solar systems, ruining the market for near-earth holiday destinations, stumbling upon extraterrestrial starships, getting people fired unceremoniously from the job where they’ve worked for over a thousand years…”

Rto’sohe’vhin explained the purpose of the structures to us. As an agricultural-based society, his race has collectively channeled its immense intellect and technological prowess into creating gigantic starships which are essentially light irrigation stations orbiting their star. Using incredibly advanced technology, fragile solar particles are absorbed, enriched, and transmitted to their home planet, where the energy is distributed to their myriad crop systems, which thrive on the intricately balanced diet of enhanced photons. At peak capacity, these titanic machines can absorb and repurpose up to a staggering 20% of the sun’s emitted light.

“It’s pretty frightening, really, when I think through the implications, that loads of humans might be flocking over here any moment now. My word, they are messy. And loud. And it’s all going to be my fault. I won’t be able to show my [face] for thousands of years if this, my one silly, silly mistake, is what ends up bringing in hordes of earthie tourists. This place has charm, you know? It won’t be the same if everyone and their neighbour finds out about it…”

The public on KIC 8462852 seems to be warming to Rto’sohe’vhin’s plight in recent days, though some are still simmering. Our interviewees’ comments ranged widely, from the sympathetic “We all leave our things out from time to time; his just happened to be spotted by those terrifying aliens from earth…” all the way to “He was always an idiot.”

As we were speaking to Rto’sohe’vhin, something suddenly dawned on us (very stretched pun there unintended). When we asked him whether the orbiting light-irrigation stations could convert the enriched solar energy into condensed, apocalyptically-destructive laser beams capable of traversing the vastness of space and striking, for example, nosy planets like Earth, he replied in the affirmative. “Of course! But good heavens, why would you even think about such a thing?”

“After all, advanced races look out for each other… ” trailed off the alien, who, we might remind you, is newly laid-off as a result of the earthies’ discovery of his race. “…don’t they?”

Time will tell, Rto’sohe’vhin. Time will tell.

 

 

 

 

MORE SPACE SERIES POSTS

captain planet open to kepler opportunity…

earth a bit peeved at all the talk about kepler, mars

Tagged ,

Captain Planet open to Kepler opportunity, if an opening were to be made available

captain planet

Shock hit the airwaves last week when widely beloved environmental pioneer Captain Planet announced that he’d be ‘open to a move if a Kepler opportunity opened up’.

In a recent interview with Time, Mr Planet responded with the above when asked about his interest level in potential professional opportunities with newly-discovered Kepler exoplanets, which scientists believe may be habitable.

His comments have sparked anger worldwide. One netizen commented “If Captain Planet feels that way, they maybe he can just get his green mullet and weird blue self out of here!”, a post which has subsequently been shared over four hundred thousand times at press time, despite its anti-blue and xenophobic overtones. Others called for a new environmental champion, questioning Planet’s dedication, and some have even begun to suggest replacement candidates, pointing to Planet’s struggles to establish himself at the top of the environmental champion table over the past decade or so.

In response, however, many have voiced support for the Captain, saying his comments were ‘taken’ out of ‘context’. One commenter mused, “As soon as we find another habitable planet, we’ll try to go pollute that one, too. Where better for him to go??” Many netizens have highlighted Mr Planet’s many environmental successes, including the highlight of his career, the double defeats of Captain Pollution in the early 1990s.

Major media outlets have been closely following the news; BBC is leading the pack with their #trending Captain Popularity metre. In all polls, Mr Planet’s public approval rating initially plummeted before beginning a wild variation over the past few days as new pieces of information have come to light.

The Captain, for his part, seems quite taken aback by the whole mess. “My comments were absolutely taken out of context,” he said in a prepared statement. “I’m probably the biggest supporter of Earth on the whole planet. I can’t leave Earth! The question about Kepler was posited from a purely hypothetical standpoint, and I answered in a fitting fashion. In fact, I considered it to be in jest, and I now regret having taken such a serious question so lightly.”

The interviewer, however, claims that Mr Planet made several disconcerting comments in the lead-up to the interview. She described the Captain’s demeanour as ‘unquestionably grim’ and ‘almost defeated’, and when she asked him about his current attitude toward humanity’s environmental efforts, he allegedly simply shook his head and sighed, mumbling something about ’they…don’t care’ and ‘…hopeless anyway’.

The New Yorker has responded with a well-documented look at Captain Planet’s sterling professional career, and I personally must say that the closing line, which referred to his record as ‘unpolluted’, was yet another moment of sheer class from the esteemed magazine.

We will keep you up to date as the situation develops.

 

 

 

OTHER SPACE SERIES POSTS

earth a bit peeved at all the talk about kepler, mars

Tagged ,